These last few weeks...

 I though I would be able to spill my guts here, put everything that I have been feeling down and feel better, but I don't think that is going to happen. In regards to what happened, I think my last blog set it all and I don't feel like revisiting that day again. I suppose I can talk about me. See! I am a self absorbed bitch! Told you so! But I guess this is my blog so uh there.

I'll start with the fact that after three days of sitting at home crying and hitting pretty much bottom, I ran away. I ran away to the only place where I have ever felt loved, accepted and appreciated for who I am. I can be me 24/7. I can escape the dysfunction in my own life and go be part of a true family. This place is a small rice farming town by the name of Willows, CA.

Willows is about 3 hours from my current town of Cupertino...well 3 hours if you drive the speed limit. Have I mentioned that my car has no speedometer, and a very nice cruise control setting? I left early the Thursday before Halloween and was there before 10am.

As soon as I pull off the country road and start driving down the dirt and gravel driveway I feel so much more relaxed, life suddenly becomes manageable. It ceases to be something that I have to fight everyday just to stay alive and becomes something bearable, and almost enjoyable.

I spent the next few days enterly on someone elses schedule and it was amazing. I went on field trips, hung out in my little cousins kindergarten class, went shopping at Walmart, ate at the Sugar Shop, watched Greys Anatomy and let the kids play with my cameras. We carved pumpkins and went trick or treating. It was all the normal things in life that I miss.

I could write pages about how each little event helped heal, but I think that is something that I need to keep close to my heart for a now. Also my brain is starting to shut down, and I imagine this is really jumpy and dissconnected already.

I'm doing my best to make it through each day. I also have a promise to keep, but it is getting harder with every minute that passes. I am tierd of fighting through life, only to clinge to a tiny shred of happiness that always dissapears. I feel so worn down and broken, I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy and well balanced...I don't think I have ever felt that way.

One thing I have learned through all of this, is that the way I am feeling is not normal 19 year old angst (as much as I joke about it). I am getting help tomorrow, I was finally able to convince my parents that this is serious and they cannot rationalize this away. I think they still think I am silly and melodramatic, but whatever, at least I am able to talk to someone about this. I am scared I am going to hurt myself. Thomas isn't here to save me this time, I have to do it myself.

Love and Promises.

I can't really disclose that much due to respect for the other party involved and also I need to not dwell. What I want to say is this: Love is the most powerful thing I have ever encountered. I swear to keep the promises to the man I love. Him keeping his promise to me means the world. If he had broken it, I wouldn't be here. I love him with all of my heart. We will get through this, there is a bright future ahead. 

I should be...

I should be cleaning my room. I should be removing the piles of dishes. I should be out shooting film. I should be working on my video project. I should get up, take a shower and put on some hot make-up so I can make a video for my other blog. I should take my dog to the park. I should got out for a run. I should, I should, I should. But all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

I know if I did these things, they might make me feel better for a little while, but I always come crashing back down. But this is all new to me. I am self absorbed bitch. I know this. So being so worried about someone else is something new. Being this in love is new. Being this scared for someone else is new.

He made me a promise and I know he is keeping his word. This will become a better life for the both of us.

At least I got one last chance to tell him "I love you."

HATE

Have you ever woken up filled with hate for yourself and regret? I feel as though my chest is going to explode and I want to scream and cry all at the same time. I'm crushed. I let myself be used again. I'm a whore and nothing more.

I Love Link!

I love my dogs, I love all of them, but lately Link has been my shadow and I LOVE IT. We spend afternoons at the dog park, go for long walks and take car rides. He curls up on the end of my bed while do homework and lays at my feet when I edit on my computer. He is so loyal. I always feel safe when he is around. This dog has been such a blessing. He came right as I got sick and right as I lost Dusty. He gave me the motivation and a new goal to work towards.

Marcus took this picture of us.

He is freaking adorable!

I Do NOT Hook Up

Lies. Such lies. Here's the thing, I don't intentionally hook-up, my judgement just gets screwed all wonky by my damn emotions. As much as I try to not be such a girl (because it really creeps me out) I can't help it. I cannot separate emotional from physical. If there is no emotional, than the physical isn't a problem. I would make a good slut...Actually scratch that, I would make a good Hooker. If I am going to sleep around you can damn well bet that I am going to get paid for it.

What really disgusts me most about this whole thing is that it means I am a relationship person. I never thought I would get that way until my late 20's, perhaps early 30's. And then if I hadn't met someone I would just have a marriage of connivence between and a fabulous rich gay man. But I guess it makes sense, I am after all a creature of habit.

Here's the thing, opening up emotionally on any level is disgustingly hard for me. I am a product years of off and on again and lack of communication. I hate that about myself. I hate baggage, yet I carry tons of it.

It hit me tonight that I should just let go. (No shit Sherlock). But honestly that thought never really occurred to me, how weird is that? I guess I just always assumed that he would be there to save me from being alone. I didn't look at it as though I was being emotionally stunted. Well you know what, I have let go, I'm looking forward and learning to pay attention to red flags.

This is probably just a string of random half ass thoughts, but I am not going to proof read because my meds have started to take affect and are hitting my brain. I kind of like the numb feeling.

Now Medicated and Feeling?

I finally couldn't handle it anymore, so I broke down and went to the doctor. I have a sever anxiety disorder, and am now supposed to take daily medication. I haven't started it yet, but I have started taking medication for the daily panic attacks. I feel perhaps like I am lying to myself. Yes, these pills make me feel better, but are they really fixing anything?

I also feel like I have failed myself. I feel like I should have sucked it up and continued to hide them...But I just got so exhausted of always being on edge, worried when they were going to happen and how I was going to hide them. Camp was the worst week of my life as far as the panic attacks go, nights were the worst. All I could do was sit on the phone with Marcus and listen to him tell me to breath. I felt so guilty for putting him that position. I made it through County Fair and State mainly due to having a good support system, I suppose I just felt at ease for once. But I still cannot go to County Council Meetings, or other 4-H events. I really really wanted to go to the Leaders event in November and to ARBA Nationals, but there was no way I was going to be able to get through it. I can't even go to school most days. I guess my main point is that I got sick of doing weird things that often come off as bitchy or anti-social, such as putting on my headphones, walking away or keeping my head firmly planted down writing in a notebook. So we will see how it goes...

But the meds don't help the fact that I still feel so guilty anytime I feel happy, because I know my heart is still shattered, and there are only a handful of people who understand how that feels. I struggle everyday to find a purpose and the will to go on. This isn't how life is supposed to be. I shouldn't feel this alone and isolated.

To be fair, I do isolated myself sometimes. But that is mostly because I feel so insecure about making friends. I don't know, but I always feel weird and awkward calling someone up and being like "Hey, lets go do something". Eventually I get over it and the people are either there (like Ashley and Sarah) or they aren't there anymore. I am trying to change this, but I still almost always feel like and outsider. I can't help being hurt when I am the girl who is excluded, and I hate that. I try to be happy keeping to myself, but I know its a lie. Like anyone else I crave human connection, both mental and physical. I cannot remember the last time I had a true heartfelt hug. Isn't that depressing? But I suppose I will just learn to deal with it. I always learn how to deal.

When Marcus died, I dealt alone. I cried alone, I ran alone, I went to his memorial alone, and I am still crying alone. I wish I could say that I am stronger person for it, but I feel more broken than ever. I can't help but feel this will never be fixed.

I miss them everyday.

FUCK YOU MILEY!!

GRRR!! YOU DELETED YOUR TWITTER!!! I JUST FINISHED WRITING A VIDEO DEDICATED TO YOUR TWEETS. FUCK YOU, I'M STILL GOING TO DO IT!!

Bayside!!

OH MY GOD! BAYSIDE IN SAN FRANCISCO OCTOBER 23&24!!! And they are playing with none other than The Bouncing Souls. How crap, I am SO EXCITED!

rain rain go away

Actually, rain, rain come again. I miss you! But here is a list of things that can go away:

1. My fever. Seriously this is ridiculous. Why am I sick?
2. My parents. Go on vacation so I can get some good quality cleaning going.
3. Anxiety. You are making life very difficult for me.

I suffered through my fever and went to photo lab and learned how to develop film. It was magical.

I spent the time I wasn't in class today watching videos of cute puppies on youtube. I want a English Bull dog so bad! Or a cute little Boston Terrier, or oh my god the cutest thing on the face of the planet rolly polly little short haired dachshund puppies! All this viewing was very educational, I learned that English Bull dog puppies have to learn how to roll over off of their backs because of their body shape. It's freaking adorable! Seriously, check this out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L28TM48bF0&feature=popt00us15 .

Now I am watching Sketch be creepy and stalk Maxxe on Skins. It gives me creeped out goosebumps. Time to clear the crap off my bed, put new sheets on, pop some nyquill and watch Coroline and go back to sleep.

Alone

I thought I could get through this alone, but clearly I can't and its clear that they just don't care anymore. I don't think they every really cared or understood how much this year has hurt me. I withdrew not because I didn't want to spend time with them, but because the thought of having to act happy and like everything was okay when it wasn't absolutely killed me. It wasn't okay. It isn't okay. Thomas is dead. Marcus is dead. My heart has been ripped apart, my family is fighting and I have no one to talk to but a fucking computer screen. Its clear that no one noticed and that my efforts to reach out have not been returned. My best friend has a new best friend and group friends and I am an outsider. Again. Always. Forever. I can't pull through it this time. I just want someone to care and to mean it. I've been grasping at straws for too long and I am just so exhausted. Life isn't worth this much of a fight to go through it alone.

Blog Revamp, not as in Vampire thank you very much.

Updated my blog. Fits what it is used for now. It started out as a place to record the good times, the awesome nights out that happened this year. Then it all fell apart. This fits now.

The bass amp

Holy crap. I am shaking. There is no way this is real. I have an amp for my bass. It is brand new and beautiful. It's from Marcus. It's my "I am so proud of you for breaking up with the abusive boyfriend that is 4-H" present. He had told me he had ordered something, but after his death I hadn't forgotten about it. It's perfect. I miss him so much. I hope I make him proud.

Tortures of the Damned

Tortures of the Damned
Bayside

I hate myself,
more than I ever let on.
I'm burned out at 22.
I lived too fast and I loved too much and I'll die too young,
but I chose this cup that I drank from.
Knew what I was getting into.
But I couldn't let out what I had to keep in.
I'm ashamed of myself and unspeakable sins,
that I've committed and:

[Chorus]
I've made mistakes,
but I'll find my way.
There's no explanation for,
the things I've failed at before.
They can't hold my hand.
It just hurts to be a man,
Through the tortures of the damned.

If I only had an axe,
I'd sever the ties I've made with the world.
Maybe I can be a stranger,
in a strange place.
If I start now, maybe I can be saved.
If I only had a mask,
I'd cover these bleeding eyes.
They're bloodshot now but they'll be black by dawn.
If I wake up now,
I can be pure again.

[Chorus]

Look at me now, I'm on the tracks with my back towards the last train leaving town. [x4]

[Chorus x2]

Dysfunction

Family dysfunction is starting in t-minus 3 hours....

I wish Thomas was here to break the tension. I wish Marcus was here to pop over when things got awkward. I wish for anyone who could rescue me from this situation.

Once again I retreat into myself, shut down just to cope. I can't keep up this happy facade anymore.

Contact

I just realized I can't remember the last time I was hugged by someone.

Tears

I spend between two and three hours crying on a daily basis. It gets worse every week. I feel like a sissy.

Grandpa is coming to visit on Friday night and stay the weekend. I can't cope with it.

I can't cope with anything anymore. I need someone to lean on.

I feel utterly hopeless.

I don't think I will get out this time.

Hope? What?

Today I woke up feeling positive, and I managed to keep that feeling going for most of the day. I think I realized that I wasn't in love at all...or maybe I was, or maybe it was different than what I have felt before...Either way it doesn't matter because its over and I am moving on...I consider it my last farewell to 4-H, there is nothing keeping me there now.

I guess I spend the rest of my dating life chasing that feeling of love that I have only felt once before. I hope I find it again.

Out

get out of my head...

Clinical Depression

Depression has been ruining my life since I was 15.

Sometimes its me, sometimes its other people in my life.

It drives me into isolation, and such unhealthy behavior that I don't even know how to stop it anymore.

Marcus

I see him everywhere, but he is nowhere now.

My phone no longer buzzes faithfully ever 10 minutes, there are no knocks on my door every night.

His swing at the park is empty, his bass lays silent.

There are no more hugs or laughter or stupid videos.

I can't call him anymore when my heart is broken and my world falls apart.

My phone won't ring at two in the morning and then again at four anymore, because some seemingly brilliant idea hits.

He was ripped away from me by a foolish mistake, a sick twist of fate.

There is no one to protect me now, I am alone.

Broken

I wish I could go back.
Back to when I had friends.
Back to when Thomas was alive.
Back to when my heart was in one piece.
Back to when I didn't live every single second of every single day with this weight, this guilt and this regret pressing on me.
Back to when I could breath again.

I honestly don't know how much longer I can last like this, if I can last at all.

Winter-Bayside

When winter falls next year,
I’ll be holding on to anything nailed down.
As for being patient,
With fate and all it's getting old.
And my mind is slowly changing.

I’m calling all my oldest friends,
Saying sorry for this mess we’re in.
And I’m waiting, waiting,
For the sun to come and melt this snow,
Wash away the pain and give me back control, control.

An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Should we still set his plate?
Should we still save his chair?
Should we still buy him gifts?
And if we don’t did we not care?

It makes you think about the life you've led,
The shit you’ve done, the things you've said,
And its grounding, grounding.
I’ve been feeling 3 feet tall this month, hardly indestructible,
But the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on.

An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you’ve always stole my heart.
You’ll always mean so much to me it’s hard to believe this.

These nights in vans,
These nights in bars,
Don’t mean a thing with empty hearts.
With empty hearts.

An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you always stole my heart.
You’ve always meant so much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe this.

Gone

Marcus died at 11:37am Wednesday September 2, 2009.

We said goodbye less than 24 hours ago.

Marcus

I saw Marcus at 1:00pm and he was fine. 7 hours later he is possibly brain dead. How am I supposed to go on?

Wired

I now have three little electroids stuck to my chest, which attach to wires , which attach to a little pager thingy that attaches to my hip. It freaks me out.

This thing attached to my body means somethings wrong. Really wrong.

I feel like such a freak talking about it to people, and its hard to express how truly scared I am without sounding like I am making a mountain of a molehill. Its weird not having someone to confide in with seeming weak. It makes me miss Thomas more than ever.

Oh Marcus moved to LA today.

To be so scared, is to be weak.

I am scared to death of Monday.

I have known something wasn't right for a while, but I ignored it. I caused disorder and mayhem in my personal life in some weak effort to distract myself and ignore the signs my body was giving me. I covered it up by trying to stay more active and sleeping more, trying to show my body your okay. Okay. That is what I chanted over and over again in my head to my one, two beat of my shoes on the pavement as I pushed into the second mile.

I am not okay, and I am scared.

Half of me knows what the doctor will say. They will tell me I am depressed and I am not eating enough. I know that, that is just how I am. Part of me knows they will look at my scars and compare them to my chart notes and just write me off as another manic depressive teen...And I can't say that they would be wrong, but I have always been that way.

This feeling is different. Different than the fatigue, different than mono, or depression, or low blood sugar or anything else I have ever been treated for. Something is wrong, and I have to bear this alone.

Always alone.

Fake

Ever feel completely fake and like you are worth nothing more than the dirt on the bottom of a shoe?

That is how I feel now.

Time for a ramble

I usually have a set notion of what I am going to write about, but I don't tonight...I just sort of feel like letting my fingers wander around the keyboard in a rambling missmash of thoughts.

and now my mind is blank and I have a headache. Nevermind then world, never fucking mind. Perhaps I will just post something off of my facebook notes so it looks longer and boosts my ego.

Ghosts of My Imagination:

I tend to spend as little time at home as possible. I know every hiking trail and body of water in close proximity to my house. I however had forgotten about the magical escape that lies beyond my backyard.

As approached the gate, I noticed how different it look. Our wooden fence is gone, having burned to the ground several years ago, but the gate remained only slightly charred. As I removed the barricade that had been placed in front of it to contain our dog I felt excited, guilty and a little sad.

So many hours of my youth were spent playing in the brush and trees with my sister, imagining silly games and fighting with light sabers. As we grew older and my sister left it became my fortress of solitude. It was here I imagined to life the characters from my books and watched them bring the story to life. It was here where I spent hours perfecting my English assignments and it was here where I cried the first time my heart was broken.

It has been nearly three years since I was here last and it is very much the same. The cacti have grown and one or two trees are missing but I still feel as though I never left.

I can feel the old ghosts from my imagination here. They are slowly welcoming me back with open arms. I can breath easy here.

My New BlogLite App

So while sitting in the social services office for almost three fucking hours I finally found a blog app that I can live with. My one complaint, it doesn't use the sideways keyboard, but I usually compose on notepad an then copy paste. And I need to figure out how to set the blogs that I follow into the little tab thingy. So not displeased, but not pleased either. But it was free, so whatever. I am insanley bored. And I've finished my book. Blech.

...am I just lazy?

I always seem to make these grand plans as I get inspired by other artists but I never seem to follow through, or I feel weird about it. But I always say, I am going to take more pictures and post them here. I am going to finish those youtube videos, or I am going to actually use my daily booth. Perhaps if I was more organized and had all of my technology within easy reach I would be more inclined to do these things...or perhaps if I lived on my own it would be easier. I hate when I am making a video or taking a photo when my mother walks in and I have to explain it...because of the time I can't. Or she will want to see the finished product and then critic to the point where I just want to curl up into a ball and die. 

I think also I may just be insanely vain and not want anything remotely unattractive anywhere. But considering I spend 50% of my time in doggie pj pants or 4H whites, I think I have no shame. 

I feel like I should write some fantastic and flowery vow...humm perhaps that is what I will work on while waiting to get my medical stuff...

I wonder if I am just lazy, or a victim of circumstance. 

although I am quite impressed that I am updating my blog more, even if it is worthless dribble most of the time

No emotion

After rereading much of my blog I find it devoid of emotion and senseless dribble. I disgust myself.

restraint

I feel as though I should spill everything on to paper, tell someone how close I was, how scared and saying he saved me was not a metaphor but reality. I don't know what is holding me back from telling someone. I haven't even admitted to myself how much he impacted my life. I don't think I could stand the pain.

Perhaps that is what is holding me back from visiting his grave, Angies grave and my Grandma's grave. Perhaps facing the people who have had the biggest impact on me is too much to bear. Perhaps I am a coward.

Dreams

I have always been a fantastic dreamer. I let my imagination work constantly during the day and at night. I used to enjoy the adventures that it would take me on, but lately they have turned from exciting adventures to catastrophic nightmares. Its 5 nights of death, destruction and heart ache, and it really scares me. It takes most of the day to shake whatever I have dreamed and by that time its time to go to sleep again. Sleep is the enemy.

Slow down

Dear Brain,

Please slow down long enough for me write something.

I think I will finish uploading video footage.

The Mommy Track.

I always find it amusing the comments that stick in your head. A few months back an adult whom I respect very much made a comment that she thought I was just wanting to get married and have babies. Ouch, that one still burns. 

To her credit it did make me take a look at my educational goals and what I was doing to achieve them. I admit I slaked a bit last year, but I feel like it was still a year well spent. After being socially isolated and extremely depressed my senior of high school I found that it was more important to focus on my social life and start rediscovering who I am as a person outside of high school and 4-H. Through all the ups and downs of the drama that is college, I feel that I am in a place where if I keep my focus I will succeed in whatever I chose to pursue. Even though I feel I have made the right decision for the coming year, those words still upset me. 

I wonder do I really give off the air of no ambitions...and then I feel guilty for discounting the value of stay at home and working mothers. Perhaps I was surprised because I have always said that I do not want children. Which is a lie...well mostly anyways. 

I have a lot of trepidation about becoming a parent. I worry that my children will end up feeling about myself and their dad the way I feel about mine, and that would truly be a tragedy. Becoming a parent is truly one of the most scary things on the planet. 

On a selfish level I feel as though going through all of the work and it takes to go through school to get an education and get a job only to drop it all to take care of a child is kind of a waste. But at the same time I can't imagine having to choose one or the other. On a complete level of vanity the idea of more stretch marks, gaining weight and pushing a baby out of my vagina is so unappealing it makes me want to vomit. Also human babies are the most ugly baby animal with the exception of baby rabbits. Perhaps mommy hamsters have it right, at your young and then you don't have to look at them. 

Everyone talks about these mysterious rewards of parenting, but no one  can ever come up with examples of what they are when I ask.  Because honestly what I see is strained marriages, financial problems, a lot of arguing, heartache and stress levels that are off the charts...but to give credit where credit is due, sometimes I do see love, and I suppose that it is what it is all about. 

I also think that if sex wasn't enjoyable I know there would not be a population problem on this planet. I think the opening words to "My Sister's Keeper" got it right.

I must give my subconscious some credit though, because it knows that on some level I must want children. I hear it talking every time I start dating someone knew, I always watch how he interacts with children. I think that it is a big indicator about what kind of person he is in general, it shows compassion and character. 

This whole blog may seem out of the blue, but working with kids this year, visiting family and shifting my view of the world from hopeful child to holy shit I'm an adult and now have to deal with the future has really just sent my mind into overdrive about everything. 

Because I'm bored, Thats why!

ABC About You - Questions

A - AVAILABLE: Nope :)
B - BIRTHDAY: January 14, the best month for birthdays!
C - CRUSHING ON: more than a crush
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: High pulp OJ!
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Beth
F - FAVORITE SONG: Autumn's Monologue
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: BEARS FTW!
H - HOMETOWN: Cupertino
I - IN LOVE WITH: A boy, music, crack cheerios
J - JUGGLE: For a brief second and then *CRASH*
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Birds :(
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: 14 hours to Washington
M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: 1/2 Chocolate, 1/2 Strawberry
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 2
O - ONE WISH: To go away to college
P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: Sarah
R- REASON TO SMILE: Wolverine: The Musical!
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Don't Trust-3OH!3
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: My first alarm went off at 6:15am and then for every 6 minutes until 7:10, which is when I got up.
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: Zebra
V - VEGETABLE(S): Cucumbers, Carrots, Squash
W - WORST HABIT: Being Emo, talking too much, whining
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Wrist, knee, hands, head, foot mouth
Y - YO-YOS ARE: pretty, but hard
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Capricorn

Random Questions About You

Spell your name without vowels: Ls
Your favorite number: 14, 21
What color do you wear most? Blue
Least favorite color? Olive Green
What are you listening to? Starstrukk 3OH!3
Are you happy with your life right now? I am satisfied. I wish my home life was better
What is your favorite class in school currently? No school, but I start back in three weeks :)!!!!
When do you start back at school/college? Three weeks, first class @ De Anza!
Are you outgoing? Yes
Can you dance? Yes.
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth? no, that kind of grosses me out...sorry sarah
Can you whistle? yes!
Write with both hands? poorly
Cross your eyes? yes
Walk with your toes curled? hehehe yes!
Do you believe there is life on other planets? No, I feel that would give credit to Scientology
Do you believe in magic? Not really
Love at first sight? Yes
Do you believe in Satan? He and I are old pals
Do you believe in Santa? Yes. He drives a black prius around cupertino when his reindeer are on vacation! Its true, I see him at least once a week
Do you know how to swim? Yes...poorly
Do you like roller coasters? HELL YES YES YES!

THE HAVES

Have you ever been on a plane? *Shudder* Yes
Have you ever asked someone out? Yes
Have you ever been asked out by someone? Yes,
Have you ever been to the ocean? Not for a while :(
Have you ever painted your nails? all the time!
What is the temperature outside? overcast and sort of coldis
What radio station do you listen to? 104.9, 105.3, 106.5, 97.3, 94.9 and whatever the classical station is
What was the last restaurant you ate at? Dell Taco
What was the last thing you bought? French Fries
What was the last thing on TV you watched? ummm John & Kate plus 8 for like 5 minutes. That show makes me sad
Who was the last person you IMed? Andrew
Who was the last person you took a picture of? Jaysen

CRYING SECTION

Ever really cried your heart out? Yes. I hate death/
Ever cried yourself to sleep? Last night
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder? Yes...under protest
Ever cried over the opposite sex? I don't like to admit it...
Do you cry when you get an injury? Sometimes. That pig at fair fucking hurt!
Do certain songs make you cry? Yes

HAPPY SECTION

Are you a happy person? Yes, except when I am at home.
What is your current hair color? Dark Brown with a golden under tone. alllllllllll rrriiiiigghhhhttt!

CURRENTLY WEARING

Shirt: Avian Bowl Polo
Pants: Jeans that are way wayyy too big now
Shoes: Navy blue flippy floppys
Necklace(s): My celtic cross
Underwear: Zebra

IN A BOY/GIRL

Favorite eye color: Blue or Brown
Short or long hair: Short
Height: Taller than me...not hard to due

HAVE YOU EVER

Been to jail: To visit someone
Mooned someone: Nope.
Thought about suicide:yes
Cried in school: sure sure
Thrown up in a store: When I was 10 and was taking sewing class in a sewing store
Wanted to be a model: no, I'm really uncomfortable being in front of the camera
Done something really stupid that you still laugh about: yes yes
Seen a dead body: just animals
Been on drugs: indeed. I love my medication! just kidding! I'm done with pills
Gone skinny dipping: indeed. soooo much fun!

THIS OR THAT

Pepsi or Coke: Dr. Pepper
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's only because they have kick ass french fries
Single or Group Dates: Both, Single at first I suppose
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.
Strawberries or Blueberries:Blueberries
Meat or Veggies: Veggies
TV or Movie: Movie
Guitar or Drums: Drummers!
Adidas or Nike: Nike
Chinese or Mexican: Chinese food, please and thank you!
Cheerios or Corn Flakes: CRACK CHEERIOS!

Holy fuck, its been like 6 days

holy fuck its been like 6 days since I updated this thing, but its not like anyone reads it except for me. Because I am vain like that. Umm I started a dailybooth but have been lazy and not uploaded any pictures yet, 'cause once I start I plan to keep it up for a year. Not really that much to report except I've been talking/thinking about relationships a lot lately. Like what I want in a boyfriend and why I am such a chicken when it comes to that stuff. Well more detail about that when I get home! 

Weekend, ends.

I have been neglectful of my "Songs of the Day" wall. And I need to fix it. 

Friday night was insanely fun, however, I couldn't help but feel lonely though. I suppose parties do that too you. 

Saturday Kory and I went to a Passion Party. Total flop, except I found my new perfume. Awesomeness. Afterwards we walked from SJSU all the way to the Children's Discovery Museum and played on the big stone structures. If felt positively normal and like we were back in high school again. It felt really good. 

I plan to spend most of my summer playing at the park at night.

It feels good to be hanging out with people again, but I still really feel that there is only like 4 people that know me and are my friends friends. That made no sense. Huzzah!! I clearly need some coffee and fooooood! Sweet lovely food! 

Devastation

Today I found out that my favorite frozen enchiladas are made on equipment that processes shellfish. I am highly allergic to shellfish. Fuck you Trader Joes, fuck you! 

I am an Idiot.

I am an idiot.

 I pride myself on being this blunt, speak her mind kind of gal. But when it comes to matters of my heart, I fall apart. I never say enough, or I wait too long to say something and then its awkward. I spend so much time in my head imagining the worst possible scenarios. But really what could happen...I could have my heart broken again, thats what could happen. Which is totally stupid. Because then I end up looking like a bitch because I can't for once in my life be articulate. I walk away from things with tears because I know I could have said something. And perhaps I owed  an explanation for my irrational behavior, but the other person will never know until they ask me about it. What the hell is wrong with me?

But if its a complete stranger, I have no problem telling them my deepest feelings. Just ask the very kind group of gays who adopted me at a club the other night. I was there by myself dancing, and had taken a break to grab some water from the bar when three of them pounced. "oooohhhhhhh grrrrriiiiillllfrrriiieendd you are dancing to forget something, what's the trouble honey?" And it all spilled out. And for once I felt completely understood, because I wasn't hiding anything. And they got it. They understood why mixing sex with emotions is the scariest thing in the world to me, they got it. They told me I was stupid and that I should just take a chance, and after a few hours of them pouring drinks down my throat, I started to believe them.

However, the next morning when I woke up and the buzz had worn off I was back where I started.

ARGH! I need to stop this idiotic behavior of closing down because I am scared and start taking charge of my life before I waste any more time being unhappy. 

My Head.

My head is in a weird place right now. I just wrote a really really long blog about Love and Sex in response to the fact that I seem to be all of my friends relationship go too person. I guess I just find it ironic, considering I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time and only ever said "I love you" to one person... The advice I give seems to pretty on track, but I still feel guilty that I am dishing out advice and not following any of it myself *coughHypocritecough*. Anyways, I opted not to post until tomorrow when I have a chance to re-read it and decide if I really want it out of my journal and onto the internet. I guess I am just feeling pissed off at myself and pretty damn confused. 

Songs of the Day:

Autumn's Monologue- From Autumn to Ashes

I Don't Think I Will Ever Get Over You-Colin Hay

Everytime-Britney Spears

My Only One-Plain White T's

Dear Tragedy-Bayside

Jesus Nitelight- Eve 6

I Like it Rough-Lady Gaga 

Amazing how music can often express exactly how I am feeling. I think I find a comfort knowing that someone else somewhere has felt what I am feeling. 

I bought new paint pens today. I feel like everything that has gone on recently, good and bad can no longer be contained within me, my journal or my blog and must spill out onto my walls. 

Some people wear their heart on their sleeve, I wear mine on my wall. 

Friday

I have a meeting with the admissions heads and the head of the fashion department at my dream school on friday. I am so nervous that every time I think about it I want to vomit... And sometimes I do. I wonder if I am tough enough to enter such a judgemental world. I wonder if I am passionate enough to invest so much time and resources in something that has a high probability of failing. I wonder if I want to put myself through the stress and instability.  

The week cannot go by fast enough, but at the same time I am feeling unprepared and want more time. I know I am about a million miles behind on my basic art skills and I don't know if my designs are strong enough to compensate for that. 

I am hoping for a positive outcome, but at the same time I am preparing myself for the very real possibility of a big let down. ugh. 

Current Bands of the Day:

Plain White T's

Eve 6

MXPX

Foo Fighters

Lady Gaga

Taylor Swift 

Goodbye Facebook

Goodbye Facebook. 

I shall not touch you for 7 days. 

Goodbye to all the drama and wickedness.

Goodbye pointless time suck.

Hello a brighter, lighter more free life.

I don't think I will miss you at all. 

Thoughts about Friendship

In the weeks since Thomas's suicide I have learned a lot about myself. I have come to realize who my true friends are, who are simply placeholders. 

I have realized that I am too nice and too forgiving. I am always there for my friends, prepared to drop everything and rush to their sides and help them through tough times. To be frank, the favor is rarely returned. And I'm sick of it. 

Its pretty sad that best friends that are a bazillion miles away were there for me, but the friends who I used to see everyday are all suddenly to busy to return a phone call, a text or an IM. 

I appreciate those who I, though I do not see them very often were there to lend support and listen to my distraught ramblings. 

I understand that it takes me a while to open up about what is going on in my life, and I don't expect anyone to try to pry information out of me, but I did expect that when I made the effort to reach out to someone that it be returned. Perhaps that was expecting to much. 

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations about friendship being a two way street, but I don't think so because I do have friends where it is and always has been that way. 

Perhaps this is harder for me because my friends are my family. They have always been the most important part of my life.

I think its hard to let go of people who have been such a big part of your life for so long, but at the same time I am done feeling this unfounded sense of rejection. 

I am laying those memories to rest.

A perfect evening ruined

So I am a baking freak. I like to bake more than almost anything. I find it soothing and creative and something I can do while working things out in my mind. I had planned on the perfect evening: run, shower, comfy clothes, homework, baking, movie, sleep.  Everything was going as planned until my mother came home and started trying to tell me I was making the cookies wrong. I do not make cookies wrong. It is impossible for me to make cookies wrong. I got my cookies all rolled and cut out and placed on the baking sheet and into the preheated oven and retreated back to my room so everyone would leave me alone. The timer dings 25 minutes later and I discover that my mother, has turned off the over and put my bowl off half full cookie dough in the sink. SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE HELL?! 

A positive post

I swear exercise endorphins are amazing. I love to exercise. I could do it all day everyday. Tredmill, pilates, and yoga. A perfect evening. I feel so giddy! 

Too many

I have like 50 things that I feel like I should write about, bouncing around in my head right now and I can't seem to pin one down and its really pushing me to my limits. 

I think the biggest thing on my mind is how lonely I have been feeling lately. My two true best friends are off in Rhode Island and SoCal, and even though we haven't been talking as much lately I still know that they are there for me, and that we are going to have a kick ass summer together. The girls who I though were my best friends here have pretty much cut me out. I figured it would happen with one of them when she got a boyfriend, but I was surprised when she was still hanging out with the other friend. Fine. Whatever. I guess its time for me to move on anyways, but they could have at least grown some balls and said something to my face instead of just ignoring phone calls and texts. The worst part is that I still have to work with these girls. 

I see a few other friends on occasion but even then I don't really feel like I am connecting with them. I have gotten too good at not becoming emotionally involved with people. 

I crave human connection, but instead I am putting all of energy into my ever faithful running shoes and a battered old journal. 

There is more to say, but its not really coming out the way I would like it too. 

My Song of the Day: Never There-Cake

Bass, 4-H, Design and Wavy Hair

I love my Bass guitar. Like hardcore, with all my heart. Its giving me something to focus on and occupy my time. Each time I hold it and play it, it feels a little bit more natural and more comforting. Its restored my drive to learn music, and I am now picking up the piano again. *muah!* I love it! 

I am really ready for it to be 4-H Camp and Fair so I can be done. I really need this to be off my plate so I can move on and focus on the future. I can't take the drama after everything that went down last year. I get panic attacks and anxiety to the point where I should be taking something for them. I can't eat, I dread the phone and e-mail. Its really not even stuff that I am directly involved with anymore, but because my mum is that means I am. Going to the ranch for swine meetings, or to work with the horses makes me want to throw-up. I can't wait to leave, and I feel bad about that because I am not really present for the kids. 

I sold my first original design today. Its the first garment that I have completed from design to final product, and I did it in 4 days. I am insanely proud of myself! I am working to get my sewing room set up so its easier to work on projects. I am looking forward to being able to have my fleet of 3 very old sewing machines set up all the time. I will also be sharing my space with my treadmill, bike and stair stepper but thats okay because I love those too. Besides losing weight and toning up goes hand in hand with me having to make myself new clothes right?Ugh only 5 weeks till the wedding. Time to get hard core about that. 

My dad made an interesting comment about me yesterday. He said he couldn't remember what my natural hair looks like. He wasn't being negative, just kind of reflective. He asked me why I never wore it natural. And I said I do sometimes. But it really made me think and I realized that I only wear my hair wavy and natural on the days that I am feeling really positive and self confident about myself. I think its because when I let my hair do whatever the hell it wants its not perfect. At least with straight hair or fake curls I have some control over it. I quite like my hair big and wavy and all over the place and am going to wear it like that more. 

Now for the Currents

Currently:

Watching:

Garden State

Songs of the Week are:

Showerhead-Eve 6

If You Seek Amy- Britney Spears

Do Somthin'-Britney Spears

Hey Montana-Eve 6

Lightning Crashes- Live

The Distance-Cake

Devotion and Desire-Bayside

Beneath the Encasing of Ashes (Entire Album)-As I Lay Dying

I Like It Rough-Lady Gaga

Reading:

Careers in Film Production 

Crafting:

A clean room and then I plan to start knitting again! 

And the AA I will be studying is....

*drum roll*

AA in Film/T.V. Production with and emphasis in Editing and Costume Design

At least for now! 

De Anza

I will be at De Anza in the fall. 

I am trying to decide what to get my AA degree in, and plan my school schedule for the fall. 

The problem is, I can never make up my mind....SO MANY CHOICES!! 

Time to result to the dart method! 

A Brief Update

So things have been getting better. Last night was amazing in ways that I cannot describe. It was unexpected and exciting. I am really at a loss for words. 

*insert happy spaz dance here*

The Return From My 2 Week Vacation

I feel like I have just come back from a 2 week vacation. Like the person that I was for those past two weeks was some lost depressed girl that I don't know or ever care to meet again. I was spending more time under the influence than I was sober, neglecting my beloved Bass Guitar, alienating my friends and parents, ignoring my usually strict room cleaning schedule. I was dating a boy with a cocaine addiction. I cleaned my purse today and found razor blades and safety pins. What the hell happened to me?

The wake call began early this week, when I had too many glasses of wine to be able to drive to go see a friend. He expressed concern for me and I was so embarrassed. Then came the day when I was hanging out with a friend who is home on break and after a while I couldn't focus anymore and had to leave. I was so pissed at myself because I had really been looking forward to spending time together and reconnecting with musics. Then came the concerned phone call from my sister. That was the breaking point. I had to stop. 

Today I had the shit beaten out of me by horses, and it felt damn good. I went for a run and did some yoga. I played my beloved bass until my fingers blistered. I scored some free fabric and made a skirt. I did my laundry and started catching up on my way disgusting room. Today I felt like myself. Oh I also broke it off with the loser guy last night.

I dislike feeling like the girl with issues. I will still feel sad over Thomas's death for quite a while, but it isn't going to be the focus of my life. I need to stay positive and move on and focus on what great things are coming next in my life. 

So the lessons learned are:

-The punk show world is a nice place to visit...but I now remember why I left it.
-Boys who are addicted to hard drugs are not dateable (DUH!)
-Smoking and Drinking are chill in a social setting, but when I start doing it by myself to escape things, that becomes and issue
-Find someone to talk things through completely with, its okay to be weak once in a while.
-If someone leaves you a suicide note, don't read it over and over again. Put it in your lock box and leave it there. Don't dwell you idiot. 
-There is no cure for the guilt you feel after someone kills themselves. You have to just let it go. 

I am happy that I am feeling back to normal and returning to a normal schedule...even if that means I am lame and I sit home by myself most of the time. I look forward to going to the dog park, running and hiking again. I can't wait to pick up some knitting needles. And as soon as the throbbing in my fingers subsides a little, that bass will be back in my hands. I am looking forward to the future. Friends. Designing. De Anza. Work. Random Dance Breaks. This summer is going to be bomb. 

***Also this is my last Facebook post. From now on, all of my writing will be on my blog http://heresatoast.blogspot.com Except I may post the Pasta Poem. Maybe. I dunno I feel kind of weird that I wrote and entire love poem about Pasta...Clearly and indication that I haven't had a boyfriend in a while. But Pasta is sooo damn good! Also I apparently say it funny, but I never knew that until January when Brandon said something. Gee thanks the rest of you for letting me sound like an idiot all my life! Sheesh!***

Problems...

I need to learn to deal with emotions without drugs and booze. 

The Four Walls I Call Home

So I've decided to take the plunge. I am going to finish decorating my room. I guess I figured that I wouldn't because I would be leaving in the fall. But since it looks like I'll be staying here I suppose I should make it feel more like me. 

Humm don't really know where to start. I feel very overwhelmed by the whole concept actually. 

I haven't been feeling passion for anything lately. I feel like my head is all foggy and I can't even wrap my head around anything. I don't know if this part of the grieving process or because of something else. I think it could be due to the unhealthy behavior of reading Thomas's letter that he left me every morning and every night. I just keep reading it, trying to pull every last drop of meaning from his words. I have so many questions that will never be answered.  

I spent the day with his mum. I wouldn't let her read the letter he left, because that felt like an invasion of his privacy as well as mine. And she respected that. I drove her to visit his grave, so she could show me where it is. I don't regret no going to his graveside service, but I do regret spending the viewing numb. I should have let my grief go but I didn't, and now I have to deal with it. On the drive back she told me she was moving friday, and would I like anything from Thomas's room. I told her no...most of our memories took place on the Cupertino High campus anyways. 

I feel like today was important, but it still was not how I wanted to spend my day. I have life to live, friends to hang with and school to attend to. 

I should put this behind me and let go of the guilt.  But his suicide makes me think of the time when I was in that dark place. I remember acting on that impulse. I am only here because I found love. Love in friends, Love in a Boyfriend, Love in Music. 

Why couldn't he be saved?

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will fill it with things and people that I love. 

New Blog, New Tricks

Humph. So my old blog got shutdown because it was spammed, so now I have to start over. Not all that upset, just annoyed. I feel like I should start out on a positive note, but on my old blog I was working a blog about death. Hmm decisions, decisions. The positive is a wee bit ahead right now so I shall start there.

Currently:
Reading:
Casino Royale-Ian Fleming -Starting the James Bond series over so I can read them in order. I am still missing a couple of books, but its my fault because I haven't gone to the used book store in ages...and the copies I collect are out of print. I love Casino Royale. Its an amazing love story, that shows the kind of love I hope to have in my life one day. Also there is a lot of awesome fight scenes and sexy car chases, so its defiantly my kind of book!

Watching:
Changeling-Starring Angie Jolie and other people that I don't really care about. HOLY SHIT! This movie made me cry within the first 10 minutes. And not just oh thats sad tears, full out body shaking sobs. This movie awoke motherly instincts that I didn't know I possessed.

Listening:
Hey Montana, Showerhead, Friend Of Mine, Here's To The Night, I Like Christmas-Eve 6
Brown Eyes, Beautiful Dirty Rich, Poker Face, I Like It Rough-Lady Gaga
Those are the songs of the day.

Creating:
No projects right now...did a bunch of ribbon flowers last week, but haven't really felt inspired to make anything beautiful. I should be working on my drawings. But I'm not. I think I'll go spend some time at the dam tomorrow and see if that kick starts anything.

Okay now on to life. I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately. It just kind of happened. Two of my friends have bonded with each other and are hanging out more. That's fine, I think I've changed a lot in the last few months and I am really not surprised. But it still was weird not having them there during a time of tragedy. I found myself turning to new friends, and old ones in far away places, but skype doesn't completely breach the need for human contact.

The time I used to spend with my ex best friends has now been replaced by hiking. Lots and lots of hiking. Walk for a while, then sun on the docks and write. Dance in the sun with my headphones on. Sit and cry in the rain. Whatever I need to express, I can. It is bliss. But I get lonely.

Nights are hard sometimes. I admit I've been partying too much. Too many nights are not as crystal clear as they should be.

Doing well in school, but not enjoying it. I don't go half the time and I am still pulling straight "A's" so whatever.

Oh my bathroom has been demolished so everyone in my house is sharing one. Its a hassle.

And I am search of a dress for my Sisters Wedding. Harder than it sounds because its supposed to be casual, but she is wearing a very formal red dress...so we have to be dressed up so the pictures don't look weird, but not clash...so floral prints are out, something in jewel tones would be perfect, but its the wrong season. I found a very awesome Zebra print dress that is stellar and will be worn if I can't find anything else. Another issue is that the dress has to actually cover my boobs. They do not like to be covered, and they also make it so I have to buy up two sizes and then take it in. STUPID BOOBS RULE MY WORLD!

and on that note I am bored with writing. Wheeeee new blog!