I though I would be able to spill my guts here, put everything that I have been feeling down and feel better, but I don't think that is going to happen. In regards to what happened, I think my last blog set it all and I don't feel like revisiting that day again. I suppose I can talk about me. See! I am a self absorbed bitch! Told you so! But I guess this is my blog so uh there.
I'll start with the fact that after three days of sitting at home crying and hitting pretty much bottom, I ran away. I ran away to the only place where I have ever felt loved, accepted and appreciated for who I am. I can be me 24/7. I can escape the dysfunction in my own life and go be part of a true family. This place is a small rice farming town by the name of Willows, CA.
Willows is about 3 hours from my current town of Cupertino...well 3 hours if you drive the speed limit. Have I mentioned that my car has no speedometer, and a very nice cruise control setting? I left early the Thursday before Halloween and was there before 10am.
As soon as I pull off the country road and start driving down the dirt and gravel driveway I feel so much more relaxed, life suddenly becomes manageable. It ceases to be something that I have to fight everyday just to stay alive and becomes something bearable, and almost enjoyable.
I spent the next few days enterly on someone elses schedule and it was amazing. I went on field trips, hung out in my little cousins kindergarten class, went shopping at Walmart, ate at the Sugar Shop, watched Greys Anatomy and let the kids play with my cameras. We carved pumpkins and went trick or treating. It was all the normal things in life that I miss.
I could write pages about how each little event helped heal, but I think that is something that I need to keep close to my heart for a now. Also my brain is starting to shut down, and I imagine this is really jumpy and dissconnected already.
I'm doing my best to make it through each day. I also have a promise to keep, but it is getting harder with every minute that passes. I am tierd of fighting through life, only to clinge to a tiny shred of happiness that always dissapears. I feel so worn down and broken, I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy and well balanced...I don't think I have ever felt that way.
One thing I have learned through all of this, is that the way I am feeling is not normal 19 year old angst (as much as I joke about it). I am getting help tomorrow, I was finally able to convince my parents that this is serious and they cannot rationalize this away. I think they still think I am silly and melodramatic, but whatever, at least I am able to talk to someone about this. I am scared I am going to hurt myself. Thomas isn't here to save me this time, I have to do it myself.
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