Thoughts about Friendship

In the weeks since Thomas's suicide I have learned a lot about myself. I have come to realize who my true friends are, who are simply placeholders. 

I have realized that I am too nice and too forgiving. I am always there for my friends, prepared to drop everything and rush to their sides and help them through tough times. To be frank, the favor is rarely returned. And I'm sick of it. 

Its pretty sad that best friends that are a bazillion miles away were there for me, but the friends who I used to see everyday are all suddenly to busy to return a phone call, a text or an IM. 

I appreciate those who I, though I do not see them very often were there to lend support and listen to my distraught ramblings. 

I understand that it takes me a while to open up about what is going on in my life, and I don't expect anyone to try to pry information out of me, but I did expect that when I made the effort to reach out to someone that it be returned. Perhaps that was expecting to much. 

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations about friendship being a two way street, but I don't think so because I do have friends where it is and always has been that way. 

Perhaps this is harder for me because my friends are my family. They have always been the most important part of my life.

I think its hard to let go of people who have been such a big part of your life for so long, but at the same time I am done feeling this unfounded sense of rejection. 

I am laying those memories to rest.