I pride myself on being this blunt, speak her mind kind of gal. But when it comes to matters of my heart, I fall apart. I never say enough, or I wait too long to say something and then its awkward. I spend so much time in my head imagining the worst possible scenarios. But really what could happen...I could have my heart broken again, thats what could happen. Which is totally stupid. Because then I end up looking like a bitch because I can't for once in my life be articulate. I walk away from things with tears because I know I could have said something. And perhaps I owed an explanation for my irrational behavior, but the other person will never know until they ask me about it. What the hell is wrong with me?
But if its a complete stranger, I have no problem telling them my deepest feelings. Just ask the very kind group of gays who adopted me at a club the other night. I was there by myself dancing, and had taken a break to grab some water from the bar when three of them pounced. "oooohhhhhhh grrrrriiiiillllfrrriiieendd you are dancing to forget something, what's the trouble honey?" And it all spilled out. And for once I felt completely understood, because I wasn't hiding anything. And they got it. They understood why mixing sex with emotions is the scariest thing in the world to me, they got it. They told me I was stupid and that I should just take a chance, and after a few hours of them pouring drinks down my throat, I started to believe them.
However, the next morning when I woke up and the buzz had worn off I was back where I started.
ARGH! I need to stop this idiotic behavior of closing down because I am scared and start taking charge of my life before I waste any more time being unhappy.
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