The Return From My 2 Week Vacation

I feel like I have just come back from a 2 week vacation. Like the person that I was for those past two weeks was some lost depressed girl that I don't know or ever care to meet again. I was spending more time under the influence than I was sober, neglecting my beloved Bass Guitar, alienating my friends and parents, ignoring my usually strict room cleaning schedule. I was dating a boy with a cocaine addiction. I cleaned my purse today and found razor blades and safety pins. What the hell happened to me?

The wake call began early this week, when I had too many glasses of wine to be able to drive to go see a friend. He expressed concern for me and I was so embarrassed. Then came the day when I was hanging out with a friend who is home on break and after a while I couldn't focus anymore and had to leave. I was so pissed at myself because I had really been looking forward to spending time together and reconnecting with musics. Then came the concerned phone call from my sister. That was the breaking point. I had to stop. 

Today I had the shit beaten out of me by horses, and it felt damn good. I went for a run and did some yoga. I played my beloved bass until my fingers blistered. I scored some free fabric and made a skirt. I did my laundry and started catching up on my way disgusting room. Today I felt like myself. Oh I also broke it off with the loser guy last night.

I dislike feeling like the girl with issues. I will still feel sad over Thomas's death for quite a while, but it isn't going to be the focus of my life. I need to stay positive and move on and focus on what great things are coming next in my life. 

So the lessons learned are:

-The punk show world is a nice place to visit...but I now remember why I left it.
-Boys who are addicted to hard drugs are not dateable (DUH!)
-Smoking and Drinking are chill in a social setting, but when I start doing it by myself to escape things, that becomes and issue
-Find someone to talk things through completely with, its okay to be weak once in a while.
-If someone leaves you a suicide note, don't read it over and over again. Put it in your lock box and leave it there. Don't dwell you idiot. 
-There is no cure for the guilt you feel after someone kills themselves. You have to just let it go. 

I am happy that I am feeling back to normal and returning to a normal schedule...even if that means I am lame and I sit home by myself most of the time. I look forward to going to the dog park, running and hiking again. I can't wait to pick up some knitting needles. And as soon as the throbbing in my fingers subsides a little, that bass will be back in my hands. I am looking forward to the future. Friends. Designing. De Anza. Work. Random Dance Breaks. This summer is going to be bomb. 

***Also this is my last Facebook post. From now on, all of my writing will be on my blog http://heresatoast.blogspot.com Except I may post the Pasta Poem. Maybe. I dunno I feel kind of weird that I wrote and entire love poem about Pasta...Clearly and indication that I haven't had a boyfriend in a while. But Pasta is sooo damn good! Also I apparently say it funny, but I never knew that until January when Brandon said something. Gee thanks the rest of you for letting me sound like an idiot all my life! Sheesh!***