Oh beautiful blog, I have missed you. I think about you often, but sadly I haven't had much time to post. School is trucking along, work has gotten insane and transformed my days from 10 hours to 16+ hour days six times a week.
I am STILL trying to find the time to move out of my current living situation and back into my parents house... My goal is to at the very least have a bed and enough stuff set up that I can stay over there when it is 1am and I don't feel like driving the 10 minutes back to my current place of residence. I keep such odd hours, and have such weird habits I just feel like it is really disrespectful to the woman I live with now.
I did however get to take a few hours this past weekend and attend the Harvest Festival at Emma Prusch Park. It was so wonderful to see it expanded and have such a strong 4-H presence! Photos coming soon...
One last note, whomever decided that THREE Photoshop classes should be a requirement for my major should be beaten with a wet noodle. It is literally sucking my soul... but in a good way. I am so proud of myself for sticking through the hellacious learning curve and I am starting to *gasp* dare I say, enjoy it??
Okay beautiful people of the blogsphere have a fantastic week!
Much Love,
Leesie
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
School, and the ADHD
I am a nerd. I love new notebooks and pencils, taking notes and homework. I love people watching and I love that I have two classes with my very best friend this Semester. I have always felt this way, but school hasn't always been easy for me. Dyslexia has offered frustrations, but not enough for me to get special extensions or disability assistance, the real problem was ADHD. Halfway through my last quarter, I was officially diagnosed and after a couple trial and error medications I found one that stuck. It. changed. my. life. I am finally able to focus at the level of and average adult and it literally has brought me to tears.
My friends were pretty accepting of the fact I was medicated, although a few were convinced that I was just taking it to be cracked out. My family was at first not that supportive which I had a really hard time not taking it personally, but eventually the change was evident. I am so thankful I took a stand and pursued this gut feeling I have had since High School that something wasn't quite right.
You, see I've learned something theses past few years (cue south-parky music), if something doesn't feel right or you don't feel some sense of "normal" or balance in your life, do something about it. It seems simple, but it really can be very intimidating and scary to admit something doesn't feel right and then to take the next step and get help. Because after you do, and stick out the ups and downs the outcome is SO worth the journey.
Now on to the awesomeness that is school! I totally won the lucky lottery and got into all 3 classes that I wanted even though I wasn't on any of the wait-lists. Oh, and did I mention that two of those aforementioned classes are with the amazing Sarah of "That's What She Said" blogness??! The one downside, is because I got into these classes I had to make the gut wrenching choice to drop out of my Scuba Diving class. *Sigh* There just aren't enough hours in the day. So here is what my schedule looks like and my first impressions (I always like to look back and see how my opinions changes throughout the semester)
Mondays & Wednesdays
9:20 French 1A (FINALLY a teacher who seems to really care if you understand everything fully before moving on and seems to have a passion for her students. Also, last time I tried to take this class you had to PHYSICALLY spend 27.2 hours in the language lab doing lab work. Now, you can just do it online at home. SO.FRACKING.COOL!)
12:30 Digital Image 1: Photoshop CS5 (This class scares me. However, the teacher seems to go pretty step by step and we have a great textbook. I may survive after all...)
Tuesdays & Thursdays
9:20 Human Sexuality (Sarah & I together, interesting class, endless jokes. 'nough said)
10:55 Indoor Spin Class (I LOVE BIKING!!)
12:30 History 17A (Passionate teacher who gets the big picture, extremely interesting lecturer, and played clips of the daily show. Sarah and I shall enjoy this class, although it will be challenging)
Online:
Digital Media 1 (6 week class that starts later.)
And so that is my 16.5 unit load. Anyone taken any of these classes before? Anyone else love the first week of School but also feel extremely nervous??
I have some very stinky Cavy cages calling so I suppose I should go.
XOXO,
Leesie
My friends were pretty accepting of the fact I was medicated, although a few were convinced that I was just taking it to be cracked out. My family was at first not that supportive which I had a really hard time not taking it personally, but eventually the change was evident. I am so thankful I took a stand and pursued this gut feeling I have had since High School that something wasn't quite right.
You, see I've learned something theses past few years (cue south-parky music), if something doesn't feel right or you don't feel some sense of "normal" or balance in your life, do something about it. It seems simple, but it really can be very intimidating and scary to admit something doesn't feel right and then to take the next step and get help. Because after you do, and stick out the ups and downs the outcome is SO worth the journey.
Now on to the awesomeness that is school! I totally won the lucky lottery and got into all 3 classes that I wanted even though I wasn't on any of the wait-lists. Oh, and did I mention that two of those aforementioned classes are with the amazing Sarah of "That's What She Said" blogness??! The one downside, is because I got into these classes I had to make the gut wrenching choice to drop out of my Scuba Diving class. *Sigh* There just aren't enough hours in the day. So here is what my schedule looks like and my first impressions (I always like to look back and see how my opinions changes throughout the semester)
Mondays & Wednesdays
9:20 French 1A (FINALLY a teacher who seems to really care if you understand everything fully before moving on and seems to have a passion for her students. Also, last time I tried to take this class you had to PHYSICALLY spend 27.2 hours in the language lab doing lab work. Now, you can just do it online at home. SO.FRACKING.COOL!)
12:30 Digital Image 1: Photoshop CS5 (This class scares me. However, the teacher seems to go pretty step by step and we have a great textbook. I may survive after all...)
Tuesdays & Thursdays
9:20 Human Sexuality (Sarah & I together, interesting class, endless jokes. 'nough said)
10:55 Indoor Spin Class (I LOVE BIKING!!)
12:30 History 17A (Passionate teacher who gets the big picture, extremely interesting lecturer, and played clips of the daily show. Sarah and I shall enjoy this class, although it will be challenging)
Online:
Digital Media 1 (6 week class that starts later.)
And so that is my 16.5 unit load. Anyone taken any of these classes before? Anyone else love the first week of School but also feel extremely nervous??
I have some very stinky Cavy cages calling so I suppose I should go.
XOXO,
Leesie
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
A Long Long Time Ago...
I used to be a faithful daily blogger, and now I am just a faithful daily blog reader, and the truth is I really miss spending those few minutes a day jotting down something. I miss the friendships I made, the connections I felt and the documentation to have to go back and look at. I regret deleting my blog of 5 years, because I feel like those words are lost forever. This blog was started during the very worst period of my life, and I find it interesting that when I had cut off contact with everyone else, I kept a blog going.
Reading back on the posts here both break my heart, and remind me how far I've come and how proud I am of the healing I have done. Loosing the boy you love, the friends you grew up with and ultimately yourself along the way is a life changing and terrifying experience, but those life events are the ones that have made me into the woman I am today.
I feel like I am starting a new chapter this fall, a new school, new major, moving, a promotion and new relationships and I feel that that is worthy for some documentation. Sharing my personal thoughts, photography and struggles and successes has always been most comfortable for me on the internet. Yes, the feedback is often more brutal than if I would open up to one of my peers, but somehow it is oddly more comfortable.
So with that, I am excited to have this little corner of the internet to share what it is so often in my head., even if it is just for me.
Love to the Internet,
Leesie
Reading back on the posts here both break my heart, and remind me how far I've come and how proud I am of the healing I have done. Loosing the boy you love, the friends you grew up with and ultimately yourself along the way is a life changing and terrifying experience, but those life events are the ones that have made me into the woman I am today.
I feel like I am starting a new chapter this fall, a new school, new major, moving, a promotion and new relationships and I feel that that is worthy for some documentation. Sharing my personal thoughts, photography and struggles and successes has always been most comfortable for me on the internet. Yes, the feedback is often more brutal than if I would open up to one of my peers, but somehow it is oddly more comfortable.
So with that, I am excited to have this little corner of the internet to share what it is so often in my head., even if it is just for me.
Love to the Internet,
Leesie
Saturday, January 16, 2010
20 now.
I'm 20. I like being 20. I've been out of the hospital for almost two months now and everything is different, but I often still feel the same. I am throwing myself into my art and school and horse and work and friends, fighting to be different. I have more to say, but also studying to do and footage to upload.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
These last few weeks...
I though I would be able to spill my guts here, put everything that I have been feeling down and feel better, but I don't think that is going to happen. In regards to what happened, I think my last blog set it all and I don't feel like revisiting that day again. I suppose I can talk about me. See! I am a self absorbed bitch! Told you so! But I guess this is my blog so uh there.
I'll start with the fact that after three days of sitting at home crying and hitting pretty much bottom, I ran away. I ran away to the only place where I have ever felt loved, accepted and appreciated for who I am. I can be me 24/7. I can escape the dysfunction in my own life and go be part of a true family. This place is a small rice farming town by the name of Willows, CA.
Willows is about 3 hours from my current town of Cupertino...well 3 hours if you drive the speed limit. Have I mentioned that my car has no speedometer, and a very nice cruise control setting? I left early the Thursday before Halloween and was there before 10am.
As soon as I pull off the country road and start driving down the dirt and gravel driveway I feel so much more relaxed, life suddenly becomes manageable. It ceases to be something that I have to fight everyday just to stay alive and becomes something bearable, and almost enjoyable.
I spent the next few days enterly on someone elses schedule and it was amazing. I went on field trips, hung out in my little cousins kindergarten class, went shopping at Walmart, ate at the Sugar Shop, watched Greys Anatomy and let the kids play with my cameras. We carved pumpkins and went trick or treating. It was all the normal things in life that I miss.
I could write pages about how each little event helped heal, but I think that is something that I need to keep close to my heart for a now. Also my brain is starting to shut down, and I imagine this is really jumpy and dissconnected already.
I'm doing my best to make it through each day. I also have a promise to keep, but it is getting harder with every minute that passes. I am tierd of fighting through life, only to clinge to a tiny shred of happiness that always dissapears. I feel so worn down and broken, I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy and well balanced...I don't think I have ever felt that way.
One thing I have learned through all of this, is that the way I am feeling is not normal 19 year old angst (as much as I joke about it). I am getting help tomorrow, I was finally able to convince my parents that this is serious and they cannot rationalize this away. I think they still think I am silly and melodramatic, but whatever, at least I am able to talk to someone about this. I am scared I am going to hurt myself. Thomas isn't here to save me this time, I have to do it myself.
I'll start with the fact that after three days of sitting at home crying and hitting pretty much bottom, I ran away. I ran away to the only place where I have ever felt loved, accepted and appreciated for who I am. I can be me 24/7. I can escape the dysfunction in my own life and go be part of a true family. This place is a small rice farming town by the name of Willows, CA.
Willows is about 3 hours from my current town of Cupertino...well 3 hours if you drive the speed limit. Have I mentioned that my car has no speedometer, and a very nice cruise control setting? I left early the Thursday before Halloween and was there before 10am.
As soon as I pull off the country road and start driving down the dirt and gravel driveway I feel so much more relaxed, life suddenly becomes manageable. It ceases to be something that I have to fight everyday just to stay alive and becomes something bearable, and almost enjoyable.
I spent the next few days enterly on someone elses schedule and it was amazing. I went on field trips, hung out in my little cousins kindergarten class, went shopping at Walmart, ate at the Sugar Shop, watched Greys Anatomy and let the kids play with my cameras. We carved pumpkins and went trick or treating. It was all the normal things in life that I miss.
I could write pages about how each little event helped heal, but I think that is something that I need to keep close to my heart for a now. Also my brain is starting to shut down, and I imagine this is really jumpy and dissconnected already.
I'm doing my best to make it through each day. I also have a promise to keep, but it is getting harder with every minute that passes. I am tierd of fighting through life, only to clinge to a tiny shred of happiness that always dissapears. I feel so worn down and broken, I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy and well balanced...I don't think I have ever felt that way.
One thing I have learned through all of this, is that the way I am feeling is not normal 19 year old angst (as much as I joke about it). I am getting help tomorrow, I was finally able to convince my parents that this is serious and they cannot rationalize this away. I think they still think I am silly and melodramatic, but whatever, at least I am able to talk to someone about this. I am scared I am going to hurt myself. Thomas isn't here to save me this time, I have to do it myself.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Love and Promises.
I can't really disclose that much due to respect for the other party involved and also I need to not dwell. What I want to say is this: Love is the most powerful thing I have ever encountered. I swear to keep the promises to the man I love. Him keeping his promise to me means the world. If he had broken it, I wouldn't be here. I love him with all of my heart. We will get through this, there is a bright future ahead.
I should be...
I should be cleaning my room. I should be removing the piles of dishes. I should be out shooting film. I should be working on my video project. I should get up, take a shower and put on some hot make-up so I can make a video for my other blog. I should take my dog to the park. I should got out for a run. I should, I should, I should. But all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
I know if I did these things, they might make me feel better for a little while, but I always come crashing back down. But this is all new to me. I am self absorbed bitch. I know this. So being so worried about someone else is something new. Being this in love is new. Being this scared for someone else is new.
He made me a promise and I know he is keeping his word. This will become a better life for the both of us.
At least I got one last chance to tell him "I love you."
I know if I did these things, they might make me feel better for a little while, but I always come crashing back down. But this is all new to me. I am self absorbed bitch. I know this. So being so worried about someone else is something new. Being this in love is new. Being this scared for someone else is new.
He made me a promise and I know he is keeping his word. This will become a better life for the both of us.
At least I got one last chance to tell him "I love you."
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