The Four Walls I Call Home

So I've decided to take the plunge. I am going to finish decorating my room. I guess I figured that I wouldn't because I would be leaving in the fall. But since it looks like I'll be staying here I suppose I should make it feel more like me. 

Humm don't really know where to start. I feel very overwhelmed by the whole concept actually. 

I haven't been feeling passion for anything lately. I feel like my head is all foggy and I can't even wrap my head around anything. I don't know if this part of the grieving process or because of something else. I think it could be due to the unhealthy behavior of reading Thomas's letter that he left me every morning and every night. I just keep reading it, trying to pull every last drop of meaning from his words. I have so many questions that will never be answered.  

I spent the day with his mum. I wouldn't let her read the letter he left, because that felt like an invasion of his privacy as well as mine. And she respected that. I drove her to visit his grave, so she could show me where it is. I don't regret no going to his graveside service, but I do regret spending the viewing numb. I should have let my grief go but I didn't, and now I have to deal with it. On the drive back she told me she was moving friday, and would I like anything from Thomas's room. I told her no...most of our memories took place on the Cupertino High campus anyways. 

I feel like today was important, but it still was not how I wanted to spend my day. I have life to live, friends to hang with and school to attend to. 

I should put this behind me and let go of the guilt.  But his suicide makes me think of the time when I was in that dark place. I remember acting on that impulse. I am only here because I found love. Love in friends, Love in a Boyfriend, Love in Music. 

Why couldn't he be saved?

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will fill it with things and people that I love.