I Do NOT Hook Up

Lies. Such lies. Here's the thing, I don't intentionally hook-up, my judgement just gets screwed all wonky by my damn emotions. As much as I try to not be such a girl (because it really creeps me out) I can't help it. I cannot separate emotional from physical. If there is no emotional, than the physical isn't a problem. I would make a good slut...Actually scratch that, I would make a good Hooker. If I am going to sleep around you can damn well bet that I am going to get paid for it.

What really disgusts me most about this whole thing is that it means I am a relationship person. I never thought I would get that way until my late 20's, perhaps early 30's. And then if I hadn't met someone I would just have a marriage of connivence between and a fabulous rich gay man. But I guess it makes sense, I am after all a creature of habit.

Here's the thing, opening up emotionally on any level is disgustingly hard for me. I am a product years of off and on again and lack of communication. I hate that about myself. I hate baggage, yet I carry tons of it.

It hit me tonight that I should just let go. (No shit Sherlock). But honestly that thought never really occurred to me, how weird is that? I guess I just always assumed that he would be there to save me from being alone. I didn't look at it as though I was being emotionally stunted. Well you know what, I have let go, I'm looking forward and learning to pay attention to red flags.

This is probably just a string of random half ass thoughts, but I am not going to proof read because my meds have started to take affect and are hitting my brain. I kind of like the numb feeling.