Sunday, October 4, 2009
Alone
I thought I could get through this alone, but clearly I can't and its clear that they just don't care anymore. I don't think they every really cared or understood how much this year has hurt me. I withdrew not because I didn't want to spend time with them, but because the thought of having to act happy and like everything was okay when it wasn't absolutely killed me. It wasn't okay. It isn't okay. Thomas is dead. Marcus is dead. My heart has been ripped apart, my family is fighting and I have no one to talk to but a fucking computer screen. Its clear that no one noticed and that my efforts to reach out have not been returned. My best friend has a new best friend and group friends and I am an outsider. Again. Always. Forever. I can't pull through it this time. I just want someone to care and to mean it. I've been grasping at straws for too long and I am just so exhausted. Life isn't worth this much of a fight to go through it alone.
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Its not that I don't care... I do care a lot... but i has felt that my reaching out ot you was not returned for sooo long that it became harder and harder to reach out. Please don't say I never cared. I have always cared for you and always will. I hope you know you can always talk to me about anything.
ReplyDeleteWe never asked you to be perfect or happy all the time... NONE of us could do that it's impossible. I think you have just dealt with it differently... I know what you have been through is hard. I don't think I could loose 2 good friends in the same year.
Friendship is a two way street and for a while there has been some road construction going on on all parties involved... We all just have to figure out how to beat that flashing red light we have all been stuck at...