Now Medicated and Feeling?

I finally couldn't handle it anymore, so I broke down and went to the doctor. I have a sever anxiety disorder, and am now supposed to take daily medication. I haven't started it yet, but I have started taking medication for the daily panic attacks. I feel perhaps like I am lying to myself. Yes, these pills make me feel better, but are they really fixing anything?

I also feel like I have failed myself. I feel like I should have sucked it up and continued to hide them...But I just got so exhausted of always being on edge, worried when they were going to happen and how I was going to hide them. Camp was the worst week of my life as far as the panic attacks go, nights were the worst. All I could do was sit on the phone with Marcus and listen to him tell me to breath. I felt so guilty for putting him that position. I made it through County Fair and State mainly due to having a good support system, I suppose I just felt at ease for once. But I still cannot go to County Council Meetings, or other 4-H events. I really really wanted to go to the Leaders event in November and to ARBA Nationals, but there was no way I was going to be able to get through it. I can't even go to school most days. I guess my main point is that I got sick of doing weird things that often come off as bitchy or anti-social, such as putting on my headphones, walking away or keeping my head firmly planted down writing in a notebook. So we will see how it goes...

But the meds don't help the fact that I still feel so guilty anytime I feel happy, because I know my heart is still shattered, and there are only a handful of people who understand how that feels. I struggle everyday to find a purpose and the will to go on. This isn't how life is supposed to be. I shouldn't feel this alone and isolated.

To be fair, I do isolated myself sometimes. But that is mostly because I feel so insecure about making friends. I don't know, but I always feel weird and awkward calling someone up and being like "Hey, lets go do something". Eventually I get over it and the people are either there (like Ashley and Sarah) or they aren't there anymore. I am trying to change this, but I still almost always feel like and outsider. I can't help being hurt when I am the girl who is excluded, and I hate that. I try to be happy keeping to myself, but I know its a lie. Like anyone else I crave human connection, both mental and physical. I cannot remember the last time I had a true heartfelt hug. Isn't that depressing? But I suppose I will just learn to deal with it. I always learn how to deal.

When Marcus died, I dealt alone. I cried alone, I ran alone, I went to his memorial alone, and I am still crying alone. I wish I could say that I am stronger person for it, but I feel more broken than ever. I can't help but feel this will never be fixed.

I miss them everyday.