A perfect evening ruined

So I am a baking freak. I like to bake more than almost anything. I find it soothing and creative and something I can do while working things out in my mind. I had planned on the perfect evening: run, shower, comfy clothes, homework, baking, movie, sleep.  Everything was going as planned until my mother came home and started trying to tell me I was making the cookies wrong. I do not make cookies wrong. It is impossible for me to make cookies wrong. I got my cookies all rolled and cut out and placed on the baking sheet and into the preheated oven and retreated back to my room so everyone would leave me alone. The timer dings 25 minutes later and I discover that my mother, has turned off the over and put my bowl off half full cookie dough in the sink. SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE HELL?! 

A positive post

I swear exercise endorphins are amazing. I love to exercise. I could do it all day everyday. Tredmill, pilates, and yoga. A perfect evening. I feel so giddy! 

Too many

I have like 50 things that I feel like I should write about, bouncing around in my head right now and I can't seem to pin one down and its really pushing me to my limits. 

I think the biggest thing on my mind is how lonely I have been feeling lately. My two true best friends are off in Rhode Island and SoCal, and even though we haven't been talking as much lately I still know that they are there for me, and that we are going to have a kick ass summer together. The girls who I though were my best friends here have pretty much cut me out. I figured it would happen with one of them when she got a boyfriend, but I was surprised when she was still hanging out with the other friend. Fine. Whatever. I guess its time for me to move on anyways, but they could have at least grown some balls and said something to my face instead of just ignoring phone calls and texts. The worst part is that I still have to work with these girls. 

I see a few other friends on occasion but even then I don't really feel like I am connecting with them. I have gotten too good at not becoming emotionally involved with people. 

I crave human connection, but instead I am putting all of energy into my ever faithful running shoes and a battered old journal. 

There is more to say, but its not really coming out the way I would like it too. 

My Song of the Day: Never There-Cake

Bass, 4-H, Design and Wavy Hair

I love my Bass guitar. Like hardcore, with all my heart. Its giving me something to focus on and occupy my time. Each time I hold it and play it, it feels a little bit more natural and more comforting. Its restored my drive to learn music, and I am now picking up the piano again. *muah!* I love it! 

I am really ready for it to be 4-H Camp and Fair so I can be done. I really need this to be off my plate so I can move on and focus on the future. I can't take the drama after everything that went down last year. I get panic attacks and anxiety to the point where I should be taking something for them. I can't eat, I dread the phone and e-mail. Its really not even stuff that I am directly involved with anymore, but because my mum is that means I am. Going to the ranch for swine meetings, or to work with the horses makes me want to throw-up. I can't wait to leave, and I feel bad about that because I am not really present for the kids. 

I sold my first original design today. Its the first garment that I have completed from design to final product, and I did it in 4 days. I am insanely proud of myself! I am working to get my sewing room set up so its easier to work on projects. I am looking forward to being able to have my fleet of 3 very old sewing machines set up all the time. I will also be sharing my space with my treadmill, bike and stair stepper but thats okay because I love those too. Besides losing weight and toning up goes hand in hand with me having to make myself new clothes right?Ugh only 5 weeks till the wedding. Time to get hard core about that. 

My dad made an interesting comment about me yesterday. He said he couldn't remember what my natural hair looks like. He wasn't being negative, just kind of reflective. He asked me why I never wore it natural. And I said I do sometimes. But it really made me think and I realized that I only wear my hair wavy and natural on the days that I am feeling really positive and self confident about myself. I think its because when I let my hair do whatever the hell it wants its not perfect. At least with straight hair or fake curls I have some control over it. I quite like my hair big and wavy and all over the place and am going to wear it like that more. 

Now for the Currents

Currently:

Watching:

Garden State

Songs of the Week are:

Showerhead-Eve 6

If You Seek Amy- Britney Spears

Do Somthin'-Britney Spears

Hey Montana-Eve 6

Lightning Crashes- Live

The Distance-Cake

Devotion and Desire-Bayside

Beneath the Encasing of Ashes (Entire Album)-As I Lay Dying

I Like It Rough-Lady Gaga

Reading:

Careers in Film Production 

Crafting:

A clean room and then I plan to start knitting again! 

And the AA I will be studying is....

*drum roll*

AA in Film/T.V. Production with and emphasis in Editing and Costume Design

At least for now! 

De Anza

I will be at De Anza in the fall. 

I am trying to decide what to get my AA degree in, and plan my school schedule for the fall. 

The problem is, I can never make up my mind....SO MANY CHOICES!! 

Time to result to the dart method! 

A Brief Update

So things have been getting better. Last night was amazing in ways that I cannot describe. It was unexpected and exciting. I am really at a loss for words. 

*insert happy spaz dance here*

The Return From My 2 Week Vacation

I feel like I have just come back from a 2 week vacation. Like the person that I was for those past two weeks was some lost depressed girl that I don't know or ever care to meet again. I was spending more time under the influence than I was sober, neglecting my beloved Bass Guitar, alienating my friends and parents, ignoring my usually strict room cleaning schedule. I was dating a boy with a cocaine addiction. I cleaned my purse today and found razor blades and safety pins. What the hell happened to me?

The wake call began early this week, when I had too many glasses of wine to be able to drive to go see a friend. He expressed concern for me and I was so embarrassed. Then came the day when I was hanging out with a friend who is home on break and after a while I couldn't focus anymore and had to leave. I was so pissed at myself because I had really been looking forward to spending time together and reconnecting with musics. Then came the concerned phone call from my sister. That was the breaking point. I had to stop. 

Today I had the shit beaten out of me by horses, and it felt damn good. I went for a run and did some yoga. I played my beloved bass until my fingers blistered. I scored some free fabric and made a skirt. I did my laundry and started catching up on my way disgusting room. Today I felt like myself. Oh I also broke it off with the loser guy last night.

I dislike feeling like the girl with issues. I will still feel sad over Thomas's death for quite a while, but it isn't going to be the focus of my life. I need to stay positive and move on and focus on what great things are coming next in my life. 

So the lessons learned are:

-The punk show world is a nice place to visit...but I now remember why I left it.
-Boys who are addicted to hard drugs are not dateable (DUH!)
-Smoking and Drinking are chill in a social setting, but when I start doing it by myself to escape things, that becomes and issue
-Find someone to talk things through completely with, its okay to be weak once in a while.
-If someone leaves you a suicide note, don't read it over and over again. Put it in your lock box and leave it there. Don't dwell you idiot. 
-There is no cure for the guilt you feel after someone kills themselves. You have to just let it go. 

I am happy that I am feeling back to normal and returning to a normal schedule...even if that means I am lame and I sit home by myself most of the time. I look forward to going to the dog park, running and hiking again. I can't wait to pick up some knitting needles. And as soon as the throbbing in my fingers subsides a little, that bass will be back in my hands. I am looking forward to the future. Friends. Designing. De Anza. Work. Random Dance Breaks. This summer is going to be bomb. 

***Also this is my last Facebook post. From now on, all of my writing will be on my blog http://heresatoast.blogspot.com Except I may post the Pasta Poem. Maybe. I dunno I feel kind of weird that I wrote and entire love poem about Pasta...Clearly and indication that I haven't had a boyfriend in a while. But Pasta is sooo damn good! Also I apparently say it funny, but I never knew that until January when Brandon said something. Gee thanks the rest of you for letting me sound like an idiot all my life! Sheesh!***

Problems...

I need to learn to deal with emotions without drugs and booze. 

The Four Walls I Call Home

So I've decided to take the plunge. I am going to finish decorating my room. I guess I figured that I wouldn't because I would be leaving in the fall. But since it looks like I'll be staying here I suppose I should make it feel more like me. 

Humm don't really know where to start. I feel very overwhelmed by the whole concept actually. 

I haven't been feeling passion for anything lately. I feel like my head is all foggy and I can't even wrap my head around anything. I don't know if this part of the grieving process or because of something else. I think it could be due to the unhealthy behavior of reading Thomas's letter that he left me every morning and every night. I just keep reading it, trying to pull every last drop of meaning from his words. I have so many questions that will never be answered.  

I spent the day with his mum. I wouldn't let her read the letter he left, because that felt like an invasion of his privacy as well as mine. And she respected that. I drove her to visit his grave, so she could show me where it is. I don't regret no going to his graveside service, but I do regret spending the viewing numb. I should have let my grief go but I didn't, and now I have to deal with it. On the drive back she told me she was moving friday, and would I like anything from Thomas's room. I told her no...most of our memories took place on the Cupertino High campus anyways. 

I feel like today was important, but it still was not how I wanted to spend my day. I have life to live, friends to hang with and school to attend to. 

I should put this behind me and let go of the guilt.  But his suicide makes me think of the time when I was in that dark place. I remember acting on that impulse. I am only here because I found love. Love in friends, Love in a Boyfriend, Love in Music. 

Why couldn't he be saved?

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will fill it with things and people that I love. 

New Blog, New Tricks

Humph. So my old blog got shutdown because it was spammed, so now I have to start over. Not all that upset, just annoyed. I feel like I should start out on a positive note, but on my old blog I was working a blog about death. Hmm decisions, decisions. The positive is a wee bit ahead right now so I shall start there.

Currently:
Reading:
Casino Royale-Ian Fleming -Starting the James Bond series over so I can read them in order. I am still missing a couple of books, but its my fault because I haven't gone to the used book store in ages...and the copies I collect are out of print. I love Casino Royale. Its an amazing love story, that shows the kind of love I hope to have in my life one day. Also there is a lot of awesome fight scenes and sexy car chases, so its defiantly my kind of book!

Watching:
Changeling-Starring Angie Jolie and other people that I don't really care about. HOLY SHIT! This movie made me cry within the first 10 minutes. And not just oh thats sad tears, full out body shaking sobs. This movie awoke motherly instincts that I didn't know I possessed.

Listening:
Hey Montana, Showerhead, Friend Of Mine, Here's To The Night, I Like Christmas-Eve 6
Brown Eyes, Beautiful Dirty Rich, Poker Face, I Like It Rough-Lady Gaga
Those are the songs of the day.

Creating:
No projects right now...did a bunch of ribbon flowers last week, but haven't really felt inspired to make anything beautiful. I should be working on my drawings. But I'm not. I think I'll go spend some time at the dam tomorrow and see if that kick starts anything.

Okay now on to life. I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately. It just kind of happened. Two of my friends have bonded with each other and are hanging out more. That's fine, I think I've changed a lot in the last few months and I am really not surprised. But it still was weird not having them there during a time of tragedy. I found myself turning to new friends, and old ones in far away places, but skype doesn't completely breach the need for human contact.

The time I used to spend with my ex best friends has now been replaced by hiking. Lots and lots of hiking. Walk for a while, then sun on the docks and write. Dance in the sun with my headphones on. Sit and cry in the rain. Whatever I need to express, I can. It is bliss. But I get lonely.

Nights are hard sometimes. I admit I've been partying too much. Too many nights are not as crystal clear as they should be.

Doing well in school, but not enjoying it. I don't go half the time and I am still pulling straight "A's" so whatever.

Oh my bathroom has been demolished so everyone in my house is sharing one. Its a hassle.

And I am search of a dress for my Sisters Wedding. Harder than it sounds because its supposed to be casual, but she is wearing a very formal red dress...so we have to be dressed up so the pictures don't look weird, but not clash...so floral prints are out, something in jewel tones would be perfect, but its the wrong season. I found a very awesome Zebra print dress that is stellar and will be worn if I can't find anything else. Another issue is that the dress has to actually cover my boobs. They do not like to be covered, and they also make it so I have to buy up two sizes and then take it in. STUPID BOOBS RULE MY WORLD!

and on that note I am bored with writing. Wheeeee new blog!