Holy fuck, its been like 6 days

holy fuck its been like 6 days since I updated this thing, but its not like anyone reads it except for me. Because I am vain like that. Umm I started a dailybooth but have been lazy and not uploaded any pictures yet, 'cause once I start I plan to keep it up for a year. Not really that much to report except I've been talking/thinking about relationships a lot lately. Like what I want in a boyfriend and why I am such a chicken when it comes to that stuff. Well more detail about that when I get home! 

Weekend, ends.

I have been neglectful of my "Songs of the Day" wall. And I need to fix it. 

Friday night was insanely fun, however, I couldn't help but feel lonely though. I suppose parties do that too you. 

Saturday Kory and I went to a Passion Party. Total flop, except I found my new perfume. Awesomeness. Afterwards we walked from SJSU all the way to the Children's Discovery Museum and played on the big stone structures. If felt positively normal and like we were back in high school again. It felt really good. 

I plan to spend most of my summer playing at the park at night.

It feels good to be hanging out with people again, but I still really feel that there is only like 4 people that know me and are my friends friends. That made no sense. Huzzah!! I clearly need some coffee and fooooood! Sweet lovely food! 

Devastation

Today I found out that my favorite frozen enchiladas are made on equipment that processes shellfish. I am highly allergic to shellfish. Fuck you Trader Joes, fuck you! 

I am an Idiot.

I am an idiot.

 I pride myself on being this blunt, speak her mind kind of gal. But when it comes to matters of my heart, I fall apart. I never say enough, or I wait too long to say something and then its awkward. I spend so much time in my head imagining the worst possible scenarios. But really what could happen...I could have my heart broken again, thats what could happen. Which is totally stupid. Because then I end up looking like a bitch because I can't for once in my life be articulate. I walk away from things with tears because I know I could have said something. And perhaps I owed  an explanation for my irrational behavior, but the other person will never know until they ask me about it. What the hell is wrong with me?

But if its a complete stranger, I have no problem telling them my deepest feelings. Just ask the very kind group of gays who adopted me at a club the other night. I was there by myself dancing, and had taken a break to grab some water from the bar when three of them pounced. "oooohhhhhhh grrrrriiiiillllfrrriiieendd you are dancing to forget something, what's the trouble honey?" And it all spilled out. And for once I felt completely understood, because I wasn't hiding anything. And they got it. They understood why mixing sex with emotions is the scariest thing in the world to me, they got it. They told me I was stupid and that I should just take a chance, and after a few hours of them pouring drinks down my throat, I started to believe them.

However, the next morning when I woke up and the buzz had worn off I was back where I started.

ARGH! I need to stop this idiotic behavior of closing down because I am scared and start taking charge of my life before I waste any more time being unhappy. 

My Head.

My head is in a weird place right now. I just wrote a really really long blog about Love and Sex in response to the fact that I seem to be all of my friends relationship go too person. I guess I just find it ironic, considering I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time and only ever said "I love you" to one person... The advice I give seems to pretty on track, but I still feel guilty that I am dishing out advice and not following any of it myself *coughHypocritecough*. Anyways, I opted not to post until tomorrow when I have a chance to re-read it and decide if I really want it out of my journal and onto the internet. I guess I am just feeling pissed off at myself and pretty damn confused. 

Songs of the Day:

Autumn's Monologue- From Autumn to Ashes

I Don't Think I Will Ever Get Over You-Colin Hay

Everytime-Britney Spears

My Only One-Plain White T's

Dear Tragedy-Bayside

Jesus Nitelight- Eve 6

I Like it Rough-Lady Gaga 

Amazing how music can often express exactly how I am feeling. I think I find a comfort knowing that someone else somewhere has felt what I am feeling. 

I bought new paint pens today. I feel like everything that has gone on recently, good and bad can no longer be contained within me, my journal or my blog and must spill out onto my walls. 

Some people wear their heart on their sleeve, I wear mine on my wall. 

Friday

I have a meeting with the admissions heads and the head of the fashion department at my dream school on friday. I am so nervous that every time I think about it I want to vomit... And sometimes I do. I wonder if I am tough enough to enter such a judgemental world. I wonder if I am passionate enough to invest so much time and resources in something that has a high probability of failing. I wonder if I want to put myself through the stress and instability.  

The week cannot go by fast enough, but at the same time I am feeling unprepared and want more time. I know I am about a million miles behind on my basic art skills and I don't know if my designs are strong enough to compensate for that. 

I am hoping for a positive outcome, but at the same time I am preparing myself for the very real possibility of a big let down. ugh. 

Current Bands of the Day:

Plain White T's

Eve 6

MXPX

Foo Fighters

Lady Gaga

Taylor Swift 

Goodbye Facebook

Goodbye Facebook. 

I shall not touch you for 7 days. 

Goodbye to all the drama and wickedness.

Goodbye pointless time suck.

Hello a brighter, lighter more free life.

I don't think I will miss you at all. 

Thoughts about Friendship

In the weeks since Thomas's suicide I have learned a lot about myself. I have come to realize who my true friends are, who are simply placeholders. 

I have realized that I am too nice and too forgiving. I am always there for my friends, prepared to drop everything and rush to their sides and help them through tough times. To be frank, the favor is rarely returned. And I'm sick of it. 

Its pretty sad that best friends that are a bazillion miles away were there for me, but the friends who I used to see everyday are all suddenly to busy to return a phone call, a text or an IM. 

I appreciate those who I, though I do not see them very often were there to lend support and listen to my distraught ramblings. 

I understand that it takes me a while to open up about what is going on in my life, and I don't expect anyone to try to pry information out of me, but I did expect that when I made the effort to reach out to someone that it be returned. Perhaps that was expecting to much. 

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations about friendship being a two way street, but I don't think so because I do have friends where it is and always has been that way. 

Perhaps this is harder for me because my friends are my family. They have always been the most important part of my life.

I think its hard to let go of people who have been such a big part of your life for so long, but at the same time I am done feeling this unfounded sense of rejection. 

I am laying those memories to rest.