I though I would be able to spill my guts here, put everything that I have been feeling down and feel better, but I don't think that is going to happen. In regards to what happened, I think my last blog set it all and I don't feel like revisiting that day again. I suppose I can talk about me. See! I am a self absorbed bitch! Told you so! But I guess this is my blog so uh there.
I'll start with the fact that after three days of sitting at home crying and hitting pretty much bottom, I ran away. I ran away to the only place where I have ever felt loved, accepted and appreciated for who I am. I can be me 24/7. I can escape the dysfunction in my own life and go be part of a true family. This place is a small rice farming town by the name of Willows, CA.
Willows is about 3 hours from my current town of Cupertino...well 3 hours if you drive the speed limit. Have I mentioned that my car has no speedometer, and a very nice cruise control setting? I left early the Thursday before Halloween and was there before 10am.
As soon as I pull off the country road and start driving down the dirt and gravel driveway I feel so much more relaxed, life suddenly becomes manageable. It ceases to be something that I have to fight everyday just to stay alive and becomes something bearable, and almost enjoyable.
I spent the next few days enterly on someone elses schedule and it was amazing. I went on field trips, hung out in my little cousins kindergarten class, went shopping at Walmart, ate at the Sugar Shop, watched Greys Anatomy and let the kids play with my cameras. We carved pumpkins and went trick or treating. It was all the normal things in life that I miss.
I could write pages about how each little event helped heal, but I think that is something that I need to keep close to my heart for a now. Also my brain is starting to shut down, and I imagine this is really jumpy and dissconnected already.
I'm doing my best to make it through each day. I also have a promise to keep, but it is getting harder with every minute that passes. I am tierd of fighting through life, only to clinge to a tiny shred of happiness that always dissapears. I feel so worn down and broken, I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy and well balanced...I don't think I have ever felt that way.
One thing I have learned through all of this, is that the way I am feeling is not normal 19 year old angst (as much as I joke about it). I am getting help tomorrow, I was finally able to convince my parents that this is serious and they cannot rationalize this away. I think they still think I am silly and melodramatic, but whatever, at least I am able to talk to someone about this. I am scared I am going to hurt myself. Thomas isn't here to save me this time, I have to do it myself.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Love and Promises.
I can't really disclose that much due to respect for the other party involved and also I need to not dwell. What I want to say is this: Love is the most powerful thing I have ever encountered. I swear to keep the promises to the man I love. Him keeping his promise to me means the world. If he had broken it, I wouldn't be here. I love him with all of my heart. We will get through this, there is a bright future ahead.
I should be...
I should be cleaning my room. I should be removing the piles of dishes. I should be out shooting film. I should be working on my video project. I should get up, take a shower and put on some hot make-up so I can make a video for my other blog. I should take my dog to the park. I should got out for a run. I should, I should, I should. But all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
I know if I did these things, they might make me feel better for a little while, but I always come crashing back down. But this is all new to me. I am self absorbed bitch. I know this. So being so worried about someone else is something new. Being this in love is new. Being this scared for someone else is new.
He made me a promise and I know he is keeping his word. This will become a better life for the both of us.
At least I got one last chance to tell him "I love you."
I know if I did these things, they might make me feel better for a little while, but I always come crashing back down. But this is all new to me. I am self absorbed bitch. I know this. So being so worried about someone else is something new. Being this in love is new. Being this scared for someone else is new.
He made me a promise and I know he is keeping his word. This will become a better life for the both of us.
At least I got one last chance to tell him "I love you."
Sunday, October 25, 2009
HATE
Have you ever woken up filled with hate for yourself and regret? I feel as though my chest is going to explode and I want to scream and cry all at the same time. I'm crushed. I let myself be used again. I'm a whore and nothing more.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I Love Link!
Marcus took this picture of us.
He is freaking adorable! Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I Do NOT Hook Up
Lies. Such lies. Here's the thing, I don't intentionally hook-up, my judgement just gets screwed all wonky by my damn emotions. As much as I try to not be such a girl (because it really creeps me out) I can't help it. I cannot separate emotional from physical. If there is no emotional, than the physical isn't a problem. I would make a good slut...Actually scratch that, I would make a good Hooker. If I am going to sleep around you can damn well bet that I am going to get paid for it.
What really disgusts me most about this whole thing is that it means I am a relationship person. I never thought I would get that way until my late 20's, perhaps early 30's. And then if I hadn't met someone I would just have a marriage of connivence between and a fabulous rich gay man. But I guess it makes sense, I am after all a creature of habit.
Here's the thing, opening up emotionally on any level is disgustingly hard for me. I am a product years of off and on again and lack of communication. I hate that about myself. I hate baggage, yet I carry tons of it.
It hit me tonight that I should just let go. (No shit Sherlock). But honestly that thought never really occurred to me, how weird is that? I guess I just always assumed that he would be there to save me from being alone. I didn't look at it as though I was being emotionally stunted. Well you know what, I have let go, I'm looking forward and learning to pay attention to red flags.
This is probably just a string of random half ass thoughts, but I am not going to proof read because my meds have started to take affect and are hitting my brain. I kind of like the numb feeling.
What really disgusts me most about this whole thing is that it means I am a relationship person. I never thought I would get that way until my late 20's, perhaps early 30's. And then if I hadn't met someone I would just have a marriage of connivence between and a fabulous rich gay man. But I guess it makes sense, I am after all a creature of habit.
Here's the thing, opening up emotionally on any level is disgustingly hard for me. I am a product years of off and on again and lack of communication. I hate that about myself. I hate baggage, yet I carry tons of it.
It hit me tonight that I should just let go. (No shit Sherlock). But honestly that thought never really occurred to me, how weird is that? I guess I just always assumed that he would be there to save me from being alone. I didn't look at it as though I was being emotionally stunted. Well you know what, I have let go, I'm looking forward and learning to pay attention to red flags.
This is probably just a string of random half ass thoughts, but I am not going to proof read because my meds have started to take affect and are hitting my brain. I kind of like the numb feeling.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Now Medicated and Feeling?
I finally couldn't handle it anymore, so I broke down and went to the doctor. I have a sever anxiety disorder, and am now supposed to take daily medication. I haven't started it yet, but I have started taking medication for the daily panic attacks. I feel perhaps like I am lying to myself. Yes, these pills make me feel better, but are they really fixing anything?
I also feel like I have failed myself. I feel like I should have sucked it up and continued to hide them...But I just got so exhausted of always being on edge, worried when they were going to happen and how I was going to hide them. Camp was the worst week of my life as far as the panic attacks go, nights were the worst. All I could do was sit on the phone with Marcus and listen to him tell me to breath. I felt so guilty for putting him that position. I made it through County Fair and State mainly due to having a good support system, I suppose I just felt at ease for once. But I still cannot go to County Council Meetings, or other 4-H events. I really really wanted to go to the Leaders event in November and to ARBA Nationals, but there was no way I was going to be able to get through it. I can't even go to school most days. I guess my main point is that I got sick of doing weird things that often come off as bitchy or anti-social, such as putting on my headphones, walking away or keeping my head firmly planted down writing in a notebook. So we will see how it goes...
But the meds don't help the fact that I still feel so guilty anytime I feel happy, because I know my heart is still shattered, and there are only a handful of people who understand how that feels. I struggle everyday to find a purpose and the will to go on. This isn't how life is supposed to be. I shouldn't feel this alone and isolated.
To be fair, I do isolated myself sometimes. But that is mostly because I feel so insecure about making friends. I don't know, but I always feel weird and awkward calling someone up and being like "Hey, lets go do something". Eventually I get over it and the people are either there (like Ashley and Sarah) or they aren't there anymore. I am trying to change this, but I still almost always feel like and outsider. I can't help being hurt when I am the girl who is excluded, and I hate that. I try to be happy keeping to myself, but I know its a lie. Like anyone else I crave human connection, both mental and physical. I cannot remember the last time I had a true heartfelt hug. Isn't that depressing? But I suppose I will just learn to deal with it. I always learn how to deal.
When Marcus died, I dealt alone. I cried alone, I ran alone, I went to his memorial alone, and I am still crying alone. I wish I could say that I am stronger person for it, but I feel more broken than ever. I can't help but feel this will never be fixed.
I miss them everyday.
I also feel like I have failed myself. I feel like I should have sucked it up and continued to hide them...But I just got so exhausted of always being on edge, worried when they were going to happen and how I was going to hide them. Camp was the worst week of my life as far as the panic attacks go, nights were the worst. All I could do was sit on the phone with Marcus and listen to him tell me to breath. I felt so guilty for putting him that position. I made it through County Fair and State mainly due to having a good support system, I suppose I just felt at ease for once. But I still cannot go to County Council Meetings, or other 4-H events. I really really wanted to go to the Leaders event in November and to ARBA Nationals, but there was no way I was going to be able to get through it. I can't even go to school most days. I guess my main point is that I got sick of doing weird things that often come off as bitchy or anti-social, such as putting on my headphones, walking away or keeping my head firmly planted down writing in a notebook. So we will see how it goes...
But the meds don't help the fact that I still feel so guilty anytime I feel happy, because I know my heart is still shattered, and there are only a handful of people who understand how that feels. I struggle everyday to find a purpose and the will to go on. This isn't how life is supposed to be. I shouldn't feel this alone and isolated.
To be fair, I do isolated myself sometimes. But that is mostly because I feel so insecure about making friends. I don't know, but I always feel weird and awkward calling someone up and being like "Hey, lets go do something". Eventually I get over it and the people are either there (like Ashley and Sarah) or they aren't there anymore. I am trying to change this, but I still almost always feel like and outsider. I can't help being hurt when I am the girl who is excluded, and I hate that. I try to be happy keeping to myself, but I know its a lie. Like anyone else I crave human connection, both mental and physical. I cannot remember the last time I had a true heartfelt hug. Isn't that depressing? But I suppose I will just learn to deal with it. I always learn how to deal.
When Marcus died, I dealt alone. I cried alone, I ran alone, I went to his memorial alone, and I am still crying alone. I wish I could say that I am stronger person for it, but I feel more broken than ever. I can't help but feel this will never be fixed.
I miss them everyday.
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