Love and Promises.

I can't really disclose that much due to respect for the other party involved and also I need to not dwell. What I want to say is this: Love is the most powerful thing I have ever encountered. I swear to keep the promises to the man I love. Him keeping his promise to me means the world. If he had broken it, I wouldn't be here. I love him with all of my heart. We will get through this, there is a bright future ahead. 

I should be...

I should be cleaning my room. I should be removing the piles of dishes. I should be out shooting film. I should be working on my video project. I should get up, take a shower and put on some hot make-up so I can make a video for my other blog. I should take my dog to the park. I should got out for a run. I should, I should, I should. But all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

I know if I did these things, they might make me feel better for a little while, but I always come crashing back down. But this is all new to me. I am self absorbed bitch. I know this. So being so worried about someone else is something new. Being this in love is new. Being this scared for someone else is new.

He made me a promise and I know he is keeping his word. This will become a better life for the both of us.

At least I got one last chance to tell him "I love you."

HATE

Have you ever woken up filled with hate for yourself and regret? I feel as though my chest is going to explode and I want to scream and cry all at the same time. I'm crushed. I let myself be used again. I'm a whore and nothing more.

I Love Link!

I love my dogs, I love all of them, but lately Link has been my shadow and I LOVE IT. We spend afternoons at the dog park, go for long walks and take car rides. He curls up on the end of my bed while do homework and lays at my feet when I edit on my computer. He is so loyal. I always feel safe when he is around. This dog has been such a blessing. He came right as I got sick and right as I lost Dusty. He gave me the motivation and a new goal to work towards.

Marcus took this picture of us.

He is freaking adorable!

I Do NOT Hook Up

Lies. Such lies. Here's the thing, I don't intentionally hook-up, my judgement just gets screwed all wonky by my damn emotions. As much as I try to not be such a girl (because it really creeps me out) I can't help it. I cannot separate emotional from physical. If there is no emotional, than the physical isn't a problem. I would make a good slut...Actually scratch that, I would make a good Hooker. If I am going to sleep around you can damn well bet that I am going to get paid for it.

What really disgusts me most about this whole thing is that it means I am a relationship person. I never thought I would get that way until my late 20's, perhaps early 30's. And then if I hadn't met someone I would just have a marriage of connivence between and a fabulous rich gay man. But I guess it makes sense, I am after all a creature of habit.

Here's the thing, opening up emotionally on any level is disgustingly hard for me. I am a product years of off and on again and lack of communication. I hate that about myself. I hate baggage, yet I carry tons of it.

It hit me tonight that I should just let go. (No shit Sherlock). But honestly that thought never really occurred to me, how weird is that? I guess I just always assumed that he would be there to save me from being alone. I didn't look at it as though I was being emotionally stunted. Well you know what, I have let go, I'm looking forward and learning to pay attention to red flags.

This is probably just a string of random half ass thoughts, but I am not going to proof read because my meds have started to take affect and are hitting my brain. I kind of like the numb feeling.

Now Medicated and Feeling?

I finally couldn't handle it anymore, so I broke down and went to the doctor. I have a sever anxiety disorder, and am now supposed to take daily medication. I haven't started it yet, but I have started taking medication for the daily panic attacks. I feel perhaps like I am lying to myself. Yes, these pills make me feel better, but are they really fixing anything?

I also feel like I have failed myself. I feel like I should have sucked it up and continued to hide them...But I just got so exhausted of always being on edge, worried when they were going to happen and how I was going to hide them. Camp was the worst week of my life as far as the panic attacks go, nights were the worst. All I could do was sit on the phone with Marcus and listen to him tell me to breath. I felt so guilty for putting him that position. I made it through County Fair and State mainly due to having a good support system, I suppose I just felt at ease for once. But I still cannot go to County Council Meetings, or other 4-H events. I really really wanted to go to the Leaders event in November and to ARBA Nationals, but there was no way I was going to be able to get through it. I can't even go to school most days. I guess my main point is that I got sick of doing weird things that often come off as bitchy or anti-social, such as putting on my headphones, walking away or keeping my head firmly planted down writing in a notebook. So we will see how it goes...

But the meds don't help the fact that I still feel so guilty anytime I feel happy, because I know my heart is still shattered, and there are only a handful of people who understand how that feels. I struggle everyday to find a purpose and the will to go on. This isn't how life is supposed to be. I shouldn't feel this alone and isolated.

To be fair, I do isolated myself sometimes. But that is mostly because I feel so insecure about making friends. I don't know, but I always feel weird and awkward calling someone up and being like "Hey, lets go do something". Eventually I get over it and the people are either there (like Ashley and Sarah) or they aren't there anymore. I am trying to change this, but I still almost always feel like and outsider. I can't help being hurt when I am the girl who is excluded, and I hate that. I try to be happy keeping to myself, but I know its a lie. Like anyone else I crave human connection, both mental and physical. I cannot remember the last time I had a true heartfelt hug. Isn't that depressing? But I suppose I will just learn to deal with it. I always learn how to deal.

When Marcus died, I dealt alone. I cried alone, I ran alone, I went to his memorial alone, and I am still crying alone. I wish I could say that I am stronger person for it, but I feel more broken than ever. I can't help but feel this will never be fixed.

I miss them everyday.

FUCK YOU MILEY!!

GRRR!! YOU DELETED YOUR TWITTER!!! I JUST FINISHED WRITING A VIDEO DEDICATED TO YOUR TWEETS. FUCK YOU, I'M STILL GOING TO DO IT!!

Bayside!!

OH MY GOD! BAYSIDE IN SAN FRANCISCO OCTOBER 23&24!!! And they are playing with none other than The Bouncing Souls. How crap, I am SO EXCITED!

rain rain go away

Actually, rain, rain come again. I miss you! But here is a list of things that can go away:

1. My fever. Seriously this is ridiculous. Why am I sick?
2. My parents. Go on vacation so I can get some good quality cleaning going.
3. Anxiety. You are making life very difficult for me.

I suffered through my fever and went to photo lab and learned how to develop film. It was magical.

I spent the time I wasn't in class today watching videos of cute puppies on youtube. I want a English Bull dog so bad! Or a cute little Boston Terrier, or oh my god the cutest thing on the face of the planet rolly polly little short haired dachshund puppies! All this viewing was very educational, I learned that English Bull dog puppies have to learn how to roll over off of their backs because of their body shape. It's freaking adorable! Seriously, check this out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L28TM48bF0&feature=popt00us15 .

Now I am watching Sketch be creepy and stalk Maxxe on Skins. It gives me creeped out goosebumps. Time to clear the crap off my bed, put new sheets on, pop some nyquill and watch Coroline and go back to sleep.

Alone

I thought I could get through this alone, but clearly I can't and its clear that they just don't care anymore. I don't think they every really cared or understood how much this year has hurt me. I withdrew not because I didn't want to spend time with them, but because the thought of having to act happy and like everything was okay when it wasn't absolutely killed me. It wasn't okay. It isn't okay. Thomas is dead. Marcus is dead. My heart has been ripped apart, my family is fighting and I have no one to talk to but a fucking computer screen. Its clear that no one noticed and that my efforts to reach out have not been returned. My best friend has a new best friend and group friends and I am an outsider. Again. Always. Forever. I can't pull through it this time. I just want someone to care and to mean it. I've been grasping at straws for too long and I am just so exhausted. Life isn't worth this much of a fight to go through it alone.

Blog Revamp, not as in Vampire thank you very much.

Updated my blog. Fits what it is used for now. It started out as a place to record the good times, the awesome nights out that happened this year. Then it all fell apart. This fits now.