The bass amp

Holy crap. I am shaking. There is no way this is real. I have an amp for my bass. It is brand new and beautiful. It's from Marcus. It's my "I am so proud of you for breaking up with the abusive boyfriend that is 4-H" present. He had told me he had ordered something, but after his death I hadn't forgotten about it. It's perfect. I miss him so much. I hope I make him proud.

Tortures of the Damned

Tortures of the Damned
Bayside

I hate myself,
more than I ever let on.
I'm burned out at 22.
I lived too fast and I loved too much and I'll die too young,
but I chose this cup that I drank from.
Knew what I was getting into.
But I couldn't let out what I had to keep in.
I'm ashamed of myself and unspeakable sins,
that I've committed and:

[Chorus]
I've made mistakes,
but I'll find my way.
There's no explanation for,
the things I've failed at before.
They can't hold my hand.
It just hurts to be a man,
Through the tortures of the damned.

If I only had an axe,
I'd sever the ties I've made with the world.
Maybe I can be a stranger,
in a strange place.
If I start now, maybe I can be saved.
If I only had a mask,
I'd cover these bleeding eyes.
They're bloodshot now but they'll be black by dawn.
If I wake up now,
I can be pure again.

[Chorus]

Look at me now, I'm on the tracks with my back towards the last train leaving town. [x4]

[Chorus x2]

Dysfunction

Family dysfunction is starting in t-minus 3 hours....

I wish Thomas was here to break the tension. I wish Marcus was here to pop over when things got awkward. I wish for anyone who could rescue me from this situation.

Once again I retreat into myself, shut down just to cope. I can't keep up this happy facade anymore.

Contact

I just realized I can't remember the last time I was hugged by someone.

Tears

I spend between two and three hours crying on a daily basis. It gets worse every week. I feel like a sissy.

Grandpa is coming to visit on Friday night and stay the weekend. I can't cope with it.

I can't cope with anything anymore. I need someone to lean on.

I feel utterly hopeless.

I don't think I will get out this time.

Hope? What?

Today I woke up feeling positive, and I managed to keep that feeling going for most of the day. I think I realized that I wasn't in love at all...or maybe I was, or maybe it was different than what I have felt before...Either way it doesn't matter because its over and I am moving on...I consider it my last farewell to 4-H, there is nothing keeping me there now.

I guess I spend the rest of my dating life chasing that feeling of love that I have only felt once before. I hope I find it again.

Out

get out of my head...