Depression has been ruining my life since I was 15.
Sometimes its me, sometimes its other people in my life.
It drives me into isolation, and such unhealthy behavior that I don't even know how to stop it anymore.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Marcus
I see him everywhere, but he is nowhere now.
My phone no longer buzzes faithfully ever 10 minutes, there are no knocks on my door every night.
His swing at the park is empty, his bass lays silent.
There are no more hugs or laughter or stupid videos.
I can't call him anymore when my heart is broken and my world falls apart.
My phone won't ring at two in the morning and then again at four anymore, because some seemingly brilliant idea hits.
He was ripped away from me by a foolish mistake, a sick twist of fate.
There is no one to protect me now, I am alone.
My phone no longer buzzes faithfully ever 10 minutes, there are no knocks on my door every night.
His swing at the park is empty, his bass lays silent.
There are no more hugs or laughter or stupid videos.
I can't call him anymore when my heart is broken and my world falls apart.
My phone won't ring at two in the morning and then again at four anymore, because some seemingly brilliant idea hits.
He was ripped away from me by a foolish mistake, a sick twist of fate.
There is no one to protect me now, I am alone.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Broken
I wish I could go back.
Back to when I had friends.
Back to when Thomas was alive.
Back to when my heart was in one piece.
Back to when I didn't live every single second of every single day with this weight, this guilt and this regret pressing on me.
Back to when I could breath again.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can last like this, if I can last at all.
Back to when I had friends.
Back to when Thomas was alive.
Back to when my heart was in one piece.
Back to when I didn't live every single second of every single day with this weight, this guilt and this regret pressing on me.
Back to when I could breath again.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can last like this, if I can last at all.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Winter-Bayside
When winter falls next year,
I’ll be holding on to anything nailed down.
As for being patient,
With fate and all it's getting old.
And my mind is slowly changing.
I’m calling all my oldest friends,
Saying sorry for this mess we’re in.
And I’m waiting, waiting,
For the sun to come and melt this snow,
Wash away the pain and give me back control, control.
An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Should we still set his plate?
Should we still save his chair?
Should we still buy him gifts?
And if we don’t did we not care?
It makes you think about the life you've led,
The shit you’ve done, the things you've said,
And its grounding, grounding.
I’ve been feeling 3 feet tall this month, hardly indestructible,
But the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on.
An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you’ve always stole my heart.
You’ll always mean so much to me it’s hard to believe this.
These nights in vans,
These nights in bars,
Don’t mean a thing with empty hearts.
With empty hearts.
An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you always stole my heart.
You’ve always meant so much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe this.
I’ll be holding on to anything nailed down.
As for being patient,
With fate and all it's getting old.
And my mind is slowly changing.
I’m calling all my oldest friends,
Saying sorry for this mess we’re in.
And I’m waiting, waiting,
For the sun to come and melt this snow,
Wash away the pain and give me back control, control.
An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Should we still set his plate?
Should we still save his chair?
Should we still buy him gifts?
And if we don’t did we not care?
It makes you think about the life you've led,
The shit you’ve done, the things you've said,
And its grounding, grounding.
I’ve been feeling 3 feet tall this month, hardly indestructible,
But the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on.
An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you’ve always stole my heart.
You’ll always mean so much to me it’s hard to believe this.
These nights in vans,
These nights in bars,
Don’t mean a thing with empty hearts.
With empty hearts.
An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you always stole my heart.
You’ve always meant so much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe this.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Marcus
I saw Marcus at 1:00pm and he was fine. 7 hours later he is possibly brain dead. How am I supposed to go on?
Wired
I now have three little electroids stuck to my chest, which attach to wires , which attach to a little pager thingy that attaches to my hip. It freaks me out.
This thing attached to my body means somethings wrong. Really wrong.
I feel like such a freak talking about it to people, and its hard to express how truly scared I am without sounding like I am making a mountain of a molehill. Its weird not having someone to confide in with seeming weak. It makes me miss Thomas more than ever.
Oh Marcus moved to LA today.
This thing attached to my body means somethings wrong. Really wrong.
I feel like such a freak talking about it to people, and its hard to express how truly scared I am without sounding like I am making a mountain of a molehill. Its weird not having someone to confide in with seeming weak. It makes me miss Thomas more than ever.
Oh Marcus moved to LA today.
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