The bass amp

Holy crap. I am shaking. There is no way this is real. I have an amp for my bass. It is brand new and beautiful. It's from Marcus. It's my "I am so proud of you for breaking up with the abusive boyfriend that is 4-H" present. He had told me he had ordered something, but after his death I hadn't forgotten about it. It's perfect. I miss him so much. I hope I make him proud.

Tortures of the Damned

Tortures of the Damned
Bayside

I hate myself,
more than I ever let on.
I'm burned out at 22.
I lived too fast and I loved too much and I'll die too young,
but I chose this cup that I drank from.
Knew what I was getting into.
But I couldn't let out what I had to keep in.
I'm ashamed of myself and unspeakable sins,
that I've committed and:

[Chorus]
I've made mistakes,
but I'll find my way.
There's no explanation for,
the things I've failed at before.
They can't hold my hand.
It just hurts to be a man,
Through the tortures of the damned.

If I only had an axe,
I'd sever the ties I've made with the world.
Maybe I can be a stranger,
in a strange place.
If I start now, maybe I can be saved.
If I only had a mask,
I'd cover these bleeding eyes.
They're bloodshot now but they'll be black by dawn.
If I wake up now,
I can be pure again.

[Chorus]

Look at me now, I'm on the tracks with my back towards the last train leaving town. [x4]

[Chorus x2]

Dysfunction

Family dysfunction is starting in t-minus 3 hours....

I wish Thomas was here to break the tension. I wish Marcus was here to pop over when things got awkward. I wish for anyone who could rescue me from this situation.

Once again I retreat into myself, shut down just to cope. I can't keep up this happy facade anymore.

Contact

I just realized I can't remember the last time I was hugged by someone.

Tears

I spend between two and three hours crying on a daily basis. It gets worse every week. I feel like a sissy.

Grandpa is coming to visit on Friday night and stay the weekend. I can't cope with it.

I can't cope with anything anymore. I need someone to lean on.

I feel utterly hopeless.

I don't think I will get out this time.

Hope? What?

Today I woke up feeling positive, and I managed to keep that feeling going for most of the day. I think I realized that I wasn't in love at all...or maybe I was, or maybe it was different than what I have felt before...Either way it doesn't matter because its over and I am moving on...I consider it my last farewell to 4-H, there is nothing keeping me there now.

I guess I spend the rest of my dating life chasing that feeling of love that I have only felt once before. I hope I find it again.

Out

get out of my head...

Clinical Depression

Depression has been ruining my life since I was 15.

Sometimes its me, sometimes its other people in my life.

It drives me into isolation, and such unhealthy behavior that I don't even know how to stop it anymore.

Marcus

I see him everywhere, but he is nowhere now.

My phone no longer buzzes faithfully ever 10 minutes, there are no knocks on my door every night.

His swing at the park is empty, his bass lays silent.

There are no more hugs or laughter or stupid videos.

I can't call him anymore when my heart is broken and my world falls apart.

My phone won't ring at two in the morning and then again at four anymore, because some seemingly brilliant idea hits.

He was ripped away from me by a foolish mistake, a sick twist of fate.

There is no one to protect me now, I am alone.

Broken

I wish I could go back.
Back to when I had friends.
Back to when Thomas was alive.
Back to when my heart was in one piece.
Back to when I didn't live every single second of every single day with this weight, this guilt and this regret pressing on me.
Back to when I could breath again.

I honestly don't know how much longer I can last like this, if I can last at all.

Winter-Bayside

When winter falls next year,
I’ll be holding on to anything nailed down.
As for being patient,
With fate and all it's getting old.
And my mind is slowly changing.

I’m calling all my oldest friends,
Saying sorry for this mess we’re in.
And I’m waiting, waiting,
For the sun to come and melt this snow,
Wash away the pain and give me back control, control.

An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Should we still set his plate?
Should we still save his chair?
Should we still buy him gifts?
And if we don’t did we not care?

It makes you think about the life you've led,
The shit you’ve done, the things you've said,
And its grounding, grounding.
I’ve been feeling 3 feet tall this month, hardly indestructible,
But the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on.

An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you’ve always stole my heart.
You’ll always mean so much to me it’s hard to believe this.

These nights in vans,
These nights in bars,
Don’t mean a thing with empty hearts.
With empty hearts.

An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you always stole my heart.
You’ve always meant so much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe this.

Gone

Marcus died at 11:37am Wednesday September 2, 2009.

We said goodbye less than 24 hours ago.

Marcus

I saw Marcus at 1:00pm and he was fine. 7 hours later he is possibly brain dead. How am I supposed to go on?

Wired

I now have three little electroids stuck to my chest, which attach to wires , which attach to a little pager thingy that attaches to my hip. It freaks me out.

This thing attached to my body means somethings wrong. Really wrong.

I feel like such a freak talking about it to people, and its hard to express how truly scared I am without sounding like I am making a mountain of a molehill. Its weird not having someone to confide in with seeming weak. It makes me miss Thomas more than ever.

Oh Marcus moved to LA today.