To her credit it did make me take a look at my educational goals and what I was doing to achieve them. I admit I slaked a bit last year, but I feel like it was still a year well spent. After being socially isolated and extremely depressed my senior of high school I found that it was more important to focus on my social life and start rediscovering who I am as a person outside of high school and 4-H. Through all the ups and downs of the drama that is college, I feel that I am in a place where if I keep my focus I will succeed in whatever I chose to pursue. Even though I feel I have made the right decision for the coming year, those words still upset me.
I wonder do I really give off the air of no ambitions...and then I feel guilty for discounting the value of stay at home and working mothers. Perhaps I was surprised because I have always said that I do not want children. Which is a lie...well mostly anyways.
I have a lot of trepidation about becoming a parent. I worry that my children will end up feeling about myself and their dad the way I feel about mine, and that would truly be a tragedy. Becoming a parent is truly one of the most scary things on the planet.
On a selfish level I feel as though going through all of the work and it takes to go through school to get an education and get a job only to drop it all to take care of a child is kind of a waste. But at the same time I can't imagine having to choose one or the other. On a complete level of vanity the idea of more stretch marks, gaining weight and pushing a baby out of my vagina is so unappealing it makes me want to vomit. Also human babies are the most ugly baby animal with the exception of baby rabbits. Perhaps mommy hamsters have it right, at your young and then you don't have to look at them.
Everyone talks about these mysterious rewards of parenting, but no one can ever come up with examples of what they are when I ask. Because honestly what I see is strained marriages, financial problems, a lot of arguing, heartache and stress levels that are off the charts...but to give credit where credit is due, sometimes I do see love, and I suppose that it is what it is all about.
I also think that if sex wasn't enjoyable I know there would not be a population problem on this planet. I think the opening words to "My Sister's Keeper" got it right.
I must give my subconscious some credit though, because it knows that on some level I must want children. I hear it talking every time I start dating someone knew, I always watch how he interacts with children. I think that it is a big indicator about what kind of person he is in general, it shows compassion and character.
This whole blog may seem out of the blue, but working with kids this year, visiting family and shifting my view of the world from hopeful child to holy shit I'm an adult and now have to deal with the future has really just sent my mind into overdrive about everything.
